Jack Ohman

Are you ready for this? And now, yourrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Sacramento Kings arena!

The Bee’s Ryan Lillis tweeted some photos of proposed Sacramento Kings arena concepts Tuesday afternoon. Apparently the Kings, for some reason (probably because people like me will make fun of them), aren’t officially releasing the renderings.

I have always said that architects are cartoonists who are good at math, and what I’ve seen from these photos doesn’t contradict that theory.

I will analyze them for you briefly:

CONCEPT A – A kind of see-thru nightie of an arena, with lots of sheer screening and a kind of a blobby bicycle inner tube-like roof. Looks fine to me.

CONCEPT B – Has a kind of Death Star feel to it, with large high-gain antennas or solar panels mounted on the exterior. Also has a translucent, sheer angle as well. I don’t know if the architects also just got the new Victoria’s Arena Secret catalog in the mail, but it sure looks like it.

CONCEPT C – This one was shown from above, and looks like the kind of grinding mechanism one would find inside of a garbage disposal. It has eight blades and looks very much like it could bend a spoon, like Uri Geller.

CONCEPT D – By far the most, um, provocative, this arena prototype very strongly, and I mean strongly, resembles a grinning alien head. I mean, I cannot believe that the architectural team sent this one along without someone saying, “Dude. That looks just like a grinning alien head.” Like I said, they’re born cartoonists. Or stoners. Or both. They could call it Arena 51.

You can see why I haven’t considered architectural criticism as a profession.

I’m not sure if this is the sum total of all the designs, or whether there are others being blacked out by the Kings organization. At this point, I think Sacramento is simply relieved that this Kings nightmare has ended; we’ve moved on to talking about an actual arena, where the design simply doesn’t matter anymore. I’d be fine with a design based on Shaquille O’Neal’s head at this point.

Parenthetically, I see Shaq has also endorsed the re-election of New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who could also personally serve as an arena (seating capacity: 17,500, with 1,000 for standing room).

At the City Council meeting, according to Lillis, Major Kevin Johnson also said that he was going to make sure that the arena was LEED-certified as a green building. I’m all for that, too. We can recycle the sweat off the floor during games and create a self-sustaining biosphere.

There was also mention of a proposal to keep Starbucks out of the arena. Let’s not take the Seattle Hate too far, people.

Anyway, I am going to go back to the drawing board. I want to create a design or two to submit for consideration.

First, I have to learn math.