Jack Ohman

Being fake complicates Joe King’s candidacy

Pretend candidate for governor Joe King
Pretend candidate for governor Joe King hamezcua@sacbee.com

Editor’s note: Joe King, an independent candidate (who may not exist outside Jack Ohman’s imagination) for governor of California (not really), hijacked Ohman’s blog after Jack left late last week to attend the Association of American Editorial Cartoonists convention. Watch Joe King’s campaign videos at www.sacbee.com/ohman, but please do not vote for Joe, because he evidently is not real.

When I announced my candidacy for governor of California on Aug. 4, I knew the challenges would be huge. Not being a real person was but one formidable obstacle.

But as I’ve pretended to travel around California pretending to run for governor, I can tell you in an unctuous manner about the many problems this state faces, and the phony prescriptions I offer to address these issues. I am not going to Fresno to pretend to be homeless. I am considering a campaign trip to Granite Bay to pretend to be wealthy.

First of all, my candidacy is about leadership for the 21st century. Oh, and the children (my consultants say people like to hear that candidacies are about children, and not consultants). Let’s look at the critical issues facing Californians and their children:

▪ Drought: We’re running out of water, and that’s why I’ve proposed a statewide commission to study water. Water is composed of two parts hydrogen and one part oxygen. Furthermore, Gov. Jerry Brown has done absolutely nothing to alter California’s weather patterns, and I have heard nothing from Neel Kashkari about water. Or the children.

▪ The Crazy Train: Mr. Kashkari is correct when he said Gov. Brown’s high-speed rail is crazy. The reason it’s crazy is that it doesn’t go far enough, as Fresno is a proposed destination. So here is my plan: I propose that before this decade is out, we put a manned train on the moon and return it safely to Earth. It will be cheaper than The Crazy Train, and there may well be water leftover on the moon’s surface in bottles from the Apollo 11-17 missions. And the children will get special discounts on The Moon Train.

▪ Education: As a former student of a partially accredited online university, I know the value of an education. I got a triple Ph.D.-J.D.-M.D. in Extensive Difficult Studies from the University of Bob, and it cost over $1,700. That’s wrong, and we need not only retool our major universities, but hire even more assistant vice presidents for communications to communicate how many assistant vice presidents there are currently in the California higher ed system. Education is important for our children’s future.

▪ Pension reform: It’s truly insane that there are hundreds of thousands of California state government retirees earning billions of dollars per year, and not one of them will float me a loan for my campaign. I could use, oh, $125 for a new tie, or maybe $3,800 for a Brioni suit. Navy, 40 Regular, please. It’s for the children. And our children’s children. And the children of my tailor.

▪ Children: Kids come first, and that’s why, if elected, I will create a sprawling new department devoted solely to children. It will be run by children, too, so that we can more easily tell them what to do.

▪ Economic development: The economy is important. Very. It contains money, and money is key to any economy. For example, the current salary for the governor is $165,288. I pledge to you today that I will take that salary and plow it right back into California’s economy the moment I take the oath of office. That’s good for California, and California’s children.

▪ My vision for California: I know that if we, as a diverse group of Californians, can end the angry divisions (Giants vs. A’s, 49ers vs. Raiders, Corgis vs. Other Dogs), we can end all of the major problems we confront. If all California is united, we can create a new California that will ride The Crazy Train of economic development into the wet rapids of a flowing diverted tunnel of highly educated children with great pensions. In addition, I will get an awesome office with a large desk, state troopers and a very nice mansion that I pledge to live in.

And children can visit. When I’m not there. They’re very loud.