Jack Ohman

Bush vs. Clinton – where does it end?

Chelsea Clinton
Chelsea Clinton The Associated Press

Jeb Bush, the hottest political prospect in the country spanning three decades, is forming a committee to actively explore the active exploration of forming an active exploratory committee to seek the presidency. Hmm.

Why is this? What makes Jeb Bush think there is a national yearning for more Bushism?

Branding.

Americans are suckers for branding and brand extension. You like Oreos? What about Oreo ice cream? Fried Oreos? How about Oreos without a filling? Fried Oreo filling? Sure! Where do we sign?

In 1992, Jeb’s father, another beatifically lionized former president, lost to … you know: the husband of the other 2016 brand-extension candidate, Hillary Clinton. Bill Clinton didn’t look so hot when he left office in 2001, what with that Monica unpleasantness and all. In 1994, the other brand-extension son, George W. Bush, managed to win his gubernatorial race in Texas while Jeb lost his in Florida. George W. got Jeb’s slot for the presidency instead.

But the American people, brand-lovers that they are, have forgotten that the Clinton and Bush presidencies weren’t really the Golden Age of Greece, and they were no Pericles. So here we are.

Sometimes, dynasties work out fine. The Adamses, the Roosevelts, the Kennedys come to mind. But let’s look into the future of these potential dynasties.

2016: Jeb Bush vs. Hillary Clinton. Bush loses the election when people remember that his brother was George W. Bush. In Florida, chads hang at half-staff.

2018: Chelsea Clinton wins the election for U.S. senator from New York against Doro Bush, when it’s revealed that Doro is George W. Bush’s younger sister.

2020: Hillary Clinton vs. Neil Bush. A nomination is given to one of the forgotten Bush brothers who was heavily involved in the 1980’s massive S&L crisis (remember Silverado Savings and Loan? No? That’s OK, no else remembers anything anymore). Clinton is elected since she is no blood relation to George W. Bush.

2024: Neil Bush’s re-ignited campaign crashes when his vice presidential nominee, Marvin Bush (the other brother) reveals that he, too, is the brother of George W. Bush. Both retire to start a new savings and loan. President Hillary Clinton is allowed to run for a third term and is re-elected, thanks to the constitutional amendment crafted by Sen. Chelsea Clinton.

2028: A man named Charles J. “Chuck” Bush is the GOP presidential nominee. He is not related to George W. Bush, and is elected the 46th president of the United States, along with his vice presidential running mate, an actual bush, which happens to be a rhododendron.

2030: The impeachment and resignation of President Charles J. “Chuck” Bush and Vice President Rhododendron Bush traumatizes the nation after it was discovered that they were involved in the Silverado Savings and Loan scandal, but that’s forgotten quickly. House Speaker Jenna Bush becomes the 47th president and agrees to step down in 2032.

2032: Texas Gov. George P. Bush, the son of Jeb Bush but who, through a series of legal actions, is legally separated from George W. Bush, becomes the GOP presidential nominee. Sen. Chelsea Clinton is the Democratic nominee. Her father, 87-year-old Bill Clinton, has the U.S. Constitution changed to allow him to serve as her vice president. Bush names his grandmother, 107-year-old Barbara Bush, as his running mate. Bush is elected.

2036: President George P. Bush is defeated by JFK grandson Sen. Jack Schlossberg, who promises to lead a new generation of Schlossbergs into the 22nd century. After all, we could use a new brand name.

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