Jack Ohman

Life on the campaign trail through California

Now that California is officially Politically Relevant©, we’re going to be receiving a lot of attention from the various Republican and Democratic presidential candidates.

None of the candidates culturally fit in here. Donald Trump is someone who lives in Haight-Ashbury’s hallucinogenic nightmare. Sen. Ted Cruz complained about New York values, and I doubt the California Lifestyle fits in with his vision for America, except for the part about getting campaign money from Chevron. Gov. John Kasich’s Central Ohio charm might get him a role as a kind of out-of-it dad or the funny but perplexed neighbor on a sitcom in L.A.

On the Democratic side, Hillary Clinton and her pantsuits wouldn’t really be stylin’ on Rodeo Drive, and Sen. Bernie Sanders wouldn’t get many votes in Silicon Valley railing against millionaires and billionaires. You know, everyone who own houses in the Bay Area.

What might the race for California look like?

April 26: Cruz faints while campaigning in the Castro District. He’s taken to a hospital where he’s worked on by a gay ER doc, lesbian nurse, transgender anesthesiologist, cis woman surgeon who privately identifies Q but maybe be bisexual (a little). He is diagnosed as having White Cis Middle Aged Texas Male Identity Disorder and released.

April 29: Trump goes for quick swim at a beach in Santa Barbara, hair touches water and creates seven-mile-long petroleum spill. Calls for seawall that he insists will be paid for by Los Angeles County.

May 1: Kasich goes to Hollywood and is abducted by makeup artists and hairstylists for full makeover and pedicure.

May 4: Clinton campaigns in Sacramento and injures back carrying K Street money. Gets money-bag carrying pointers from state Sen. Leland Yee.

May 6: Sanders is endorsed by the president of California State Association of Unlaundered Graduate Students.

May 8: At direction of Hillary Clinton, former President Bill Clinton gives speech in middle of orchard in Glenn County, at midnight.

May 9: Trump spends week in Fresno pretending to be only a millionaire.

May 11: Cruz campaigns in Los Angeles, attempts to walk on Los Angeles River as proof of his divinity. Is successful walking on L.A. River due to large shopping cart wing dam.

May 15: Kasich brings sunny, optimistic outlook to Sacramento Kings front office meeting, is offered head coach job, but fired two days later.

May 21: Cruz visits California Senate GOP Caucus, hurls insults at them to feel at home.

May 23: At direction of Hillary, Bill gives campaign speech on summit of Mount Shasta during late snowstorm.

May 25: Sanders flies to Vatican again, asks for Gov. Jerry Brown’s dispensation.

May 26: At the direction of Hillary, Sutter Brown campaigns with Bill Clinton on J Street, at 4:40 a.m. for “a walk.”

June 1: Trump calls for deportation of everyone in California who is not a member of a “very, very prestigious country club.”

June 4: At direction of Hillary, Bill makes final speech in the far eastern corner of Yreka Wal-Mart parking lot.

June 7: Shrimp Boy surges in late polls and wins GOP primary. Sanders is mathematically eliminated from the nomination and is offered a role on “Curb Your Enthusiasm.” Clinton’s Blackberry makes her acceptance speech while she tries to remember where she last sent her husband.