President Trump is finally following through on his promise to Make America Safe Again.
He has begun our long-overdue attack on Australia.
The president gave Australian Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull (who is a total failure!) a good chewing out this week, telling him a refugee agreement between the two countries was the “worst deal ever,” calling their conversation the “worst call” and abruptly ending the exchange 25 minutes into what was supposed to be an hour-long talk.
It was clear from accounts of the talk that Trump thinks Turnbull is almost as much of a basket case as the Mexican guy Trump yelled at the week before.
Failed presidential candidate John McCain fired off a contrary statement, saying that Australian soldiers have been fighting and dying with Americans for a century (including in Vietnam, where the loser McCain was shot down while Trump heroically battled heel spurs) and that “the U.S.-Australia relationship is more important than ever.”
But there are many times Australia did not put America First, including the summer Olympics in Rio, where the crooked Australian basketball team almost beat Team USA. Not good!
There are a lot of bad dudes Down Under, and for years, Australia has been sending them to America. They sent third-rate Air Supply, which has NO TALENT. “Lost in Love”? Pathetic. And Mel Gibson – a dope! Olivia Newton-John: highly overrated – and that “Grease” reunion she’s planning will be a TOTAL EMBARRASSMENT. Crocodile Dundee is a true lowlife, and Nemo is a dumb clownfish. SAD!
Americans have been getting killed in trade with the Australians. The dual-flush toilet, which Australia invented, is doing a terrible job, particularly when you hit the button for No. 1. The “selfie,” an Australian coinage, was one of the worst ideas in history, along with the spork, which they also came up with. Big-league mess! Vegemite – no, it’s too disgusting.
And then there’s Outback Steakhouse – total dud! The Bloomin’ Onion with Aussie Cheese Fries has almost 2,400 calories. So what if the company is based in Florida? It’s a big problem!
It’s about time a strong American leader showed some antipathy toward the Antipodes.
The morning after Washington took out Canberra, I awoke to discover Trump had taken more measures while I slept to Make America Safe Again.
He tweeted that “Iran has been formally PUT ON NOTICE.” He did not say what this notice means, likely because he was busy getting ready for the National Prayer Breakfast, which provided an obvious opportunity to launch two more attacks, on his old reality show “The Apprentice” (“a total disaster”) and its new host, Arnold Schwarzenegger (“pray for Arnold”).
I was momentarily puzzled: Why go from a fully justified attack on Australia to the ayatollahs and then to Arnold and “The Apprentice”? Then the brilliance of Trump’s strategy came into focus: He is taking an alphabetical approach to Making America Safe Again. I know this as a fact because I used Trump’s own method of logical deduction: I think it, ergo it’s true.
If I am correct, which I am, people in Belgium should be very nervous right now and consider fleeing to France, or, better yet, the Netherlands, which is alphabetically further along (but avoid Amsterdam).
Another “B” who should be worried is Harold Bornstein, Trump’s physician, who this week casually disclosed that Trump takes the anti-baldness drug finasteride, or Propecia. Side effects of finasteride include impotence, weakness, dizziness and swelling of the hands. It cannot be known whether Trump has suffered these, though he has clearly not been afflicted with any enlargement of the hands. In addition, some claim there is a Post-Finasteride Syndrome, which can include “severe memory/recall impairment,” “slowed thought processes” and “impaired problem solving, decreased comprehension.” Thankfully, Trump has never exhibited any of these symptoms.
My alphabet theory, which is totally correct, does not explain other early happenings in the Trump administration, such as downgrading of the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the CIA director in national-security decisions, or the raid in Yemen, which led to the killing of a Navy SEAL and some civilians. Military officials told Reuters the operation was approved without sufficient intelligence, support or backup.
But all will be revealed in time – Yemen at the end, with the Y’s.
On Friday morning, Trump’s tweets were still A’s: anarchists, and more on Arnold, “The Apprentice” and the ayatollahs. But he backed off from his belligerence toward Oceania, claiming the talk with Turnbull was really “very civil” and the “media lied.”
No! Don’t go wobbly, Donald. Remember the Vegemite!
Follow Dana Milbank on Twitter, @Milbank.