WASHINGTON – You knew there had to be a tape of the Infamous Dinner.
Fortuitously, it popped up in my mailbox this weekend. And here’s a transcript from that fateful wintry meeting between FBI Director James Comey and Donald Trump at the White House, seven days after the president was sworn in:
TRUMP: I’m so glad you called and asked to come over, James. Let me give you a hug. Or at least blow you another kiss. (Smooching sound.)
COMEY: Actually, that’s not factually correct, Mr. President. You summoned me.
TRUMP: No, you summoned me.
COMEY: That’s not ––
TRUMP: You called me and said you wanted to come over and congratulate me on my amazing victory and my record-breaking inaugural crowds and beg like a dog to keep your job.
COMEY: I would never call to invite myself over, Mr. President. I feel uneasy being here. I refused to play basketball with President Obama, even though I knew I could dunk over him, for fear of seeming too chummy. As FBI director, I have to stay above the political fray.
TRUMP: Are you kidding me? Who is more political than you? With all your wacky meddling in the election and rooting around in the laptop of that pervert Anthony Weiner, you’re even more famous than me. And you know how much I hate that. Sometimes people work for me and they do a good job and then they get a big head. And then I chop off their heads.
COMEY: Mr. President, I cannot let politics affect my decisions because if I ever start considering who might be affected, and in what way, by what we do, we’re done.
TRUMP: Let me press my cool red button. Vlad gave it to me. It’s a reset button and it works a lot better than the one Hillary gave to Lavrov. I use it to ring my butler for Diet Cokes. You know, it’s funny, I have never seen a thin person drinking Diet Coke.
COMEY: Have you thought about Weight Watchers?
TRUMP: I love Oprah but I think I look phenomenal.
I am really, really good looking. You look good, too. You’re a tall drink of water. Like a giraffe crossed with Eliot Ness. What are you, 6-foot-8, 6-foot-9? Central casting. But don’t let your head get too big. Don’t be a showboat. Don’t be a grandstander. That’s my shtick. Do you play golf? How far do you drive? Trump hits it strong and long – 285 yards. Have some salad. We got you creamy vinaigrette. I always do Thousand Island.
COMEY: Isn’t Thousand Island the same as Russian dressing?
TRUMP: I’m glad you brought that up. I would like you to pledge your ever-ending loyalty, in the immortal words of Luca Brasi. You know, I used to be called The Don and compared to John Gotti, but with more bling. I would like you to tell me three times, before the cock crows, that I am not under investigation for working with Russia to defeat Hillary. Because I certainly did not need help defeating Crooked Hillary. I have to know you’re my guy.
COMEY: I am not your guy, Mr. President. I’m America’s guy. I can pledge my honesty to you.
TRUMP: You should try truthful hyperbole or just make stuff up. Look how well that worked for me. Did it ever occur to you that your wacky, neurotic, dopey bouts of piety and vanity during the campaign broke FBI rules and ruined your reputation? You'll be lucky if I decide to let you stay.
COMEY: I worry that you don’t have the slightest understanding of how our democracy works. Everyone thinks you’re off your rocker.
TRUMP: That’s funny, because I think there’s something off about you.
COMEY: It makes me mildly nauseous to think I could have helped make you president.
TRUMP: You didn’t. I made myself president. Did you see the 1.5 million people at my inauguration? I have a picture of the crowd on the wall here. The dishonest press would never admit it. Now, James, I need you to eat your meatloaf and forget about this Russia thing with Trump. Russia is a made-up story – with a few exceptions. I need you to drop that goofy investigation and start priming the pump on investigating the leaks in your shop and in the CIA that hurt Trump. You could also check the files on Ted Cruz’s dad and Lee Harvey Oswald while you’re at it.
COMEY: But no one leaks more than you. You are your own Deep Throat. There have been rumors that you have been taping people since the ‘80s. Are you taping this conversation?
TRUMP: I have nothing further to add on that. Ah, here’s dessert. The most beautiful chocolate cake that you’ve ever seen. I get two scoops of ice cream and you only get one. Because I’m the president. Can you believe it?
I’ve got an idea! See that 60-inch flat-screen TV I put in, under the crystal chandelier I put up? Why don’t you stay and watch me watch Bill O'Reilly – he’s a great guy – and then I'll tweet about the show and then O'Reilly will read my tweet as breaking news and you can watch that and then I'll flip to CNN and you can watch me hate-watch that dummy Don Lemon and then I'll pretend I didn’t. Fun! And don’t forget: If you’re not loyal, you might look up at a TV one day and find out you’re fired.