WASHINGTON – So the haters in the Fake News Media are again having a wild rumpus, this time because President Donald Trump, threatening nuclear war via Twitter, taunted North Korea’s Kim Jong Un by saying his “Nuclear Button” is “a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!”
To those who say it is juvenile for the president of the United States to deliver playground taunts about nuclear annihilation, I offer this considered response: Your momma.
To those who say Trump is demeaning his high office, I have a ready rejoinder: Don’t be a bunch of dork-faces.
To those who think it vulgar for the president to boast about the size and functionality of his nuclear button (after boasting during the campaign about the size and functionality of his, er, love button), I offer two thoughts: 1) You booger-munchers make me puke. And, 2) Suck it up, you snot-faced phlegm-wads.
Not only does Trump have the biggest and most beautiful, well-functioning nuclear button, but he has the greatest and most beautiful taunts. North Korea simply can’t compete. The best Kim has come up with was calling Trump a “dotard.”
Fail! I know I speak for all 320 million Americans when I say we did not know that word. Every one of us had to look it up. But Trump, Smarty McThinkalot that he is, knows how to talk to us. However else we may be divided, virtually all American voters have finished the third grade and therefore understand the language of playground insults. And nobody speaks it better than Trump.
If Kim knew his taunts better, he would have responded in kind. When Trump called him “short and fat,” Kim would have replied with, “Oh, really, Das Gropenfuhrer?” or, “Bite me, Mango Mussolini.”
When Trump called Kim “Rocket Man,” the North Korean could have said, “Shut it, Darth Hater,” or, “Can it, you Talking Yam.” Kim, when dubbed a “madman” by Trump, could have achieved deterrence by addressing Trump as Agent Orange, Adolf Twitler, Hair Fuhrer or perhaps the Angry Cheeto.
Countertaunted so forcefully, Trump would probably be reduced to saying: “Oh yeah? Well, ‘madman’ times infinity!” – thus opening himself up to the obvious but effective parry, “’Mango Mussolini’ times infinity plus one!”
The two nuclear-armed leaders could go on firing ballistic missives across the Pacific:
Trump: “Chunky McEats-a-Lot!”
Kim: “Pudgy McTrumpcake!”
Finally, Gen. Kelly would discover that Trump was tweeting and would take away his phone – and the nuclear standoff would end.
The North Korean dictator could learn by watching the way two masters of the genre – Trump and his former top strategist, Steve Bannon – taunt each other.
Bannon: You made the dumbest political decision in modern political history, bar none.
Trump: You not only lost your job, you lost your mind.
Bannon: Treasonous. Unpatriotic. Bad sh–.
Trump: You’re only in it for yourself.
Bannon: Your momma is so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed three commercials.
Trump: Your momma is so fat that when she weighed herself the scale said, “One at a time, please.”
But wait! Why am I advising that North Korean blowhole? As a patriotic American, I should be helping my country perfect the adolescent arts. And so, as gift to the president, I have composed a first draft of his State of the Union address:
My fellow Americans, including all of my enemies and haters, you idiot-holes. There are those who say that I am unfit to hold this office and who are calling for my impeachment. But what they do not realize is this: I’m rubber, you’re glue. Whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you. Tag, no tag-backs. Yes, Democrat jerk-weeds kept us from repealing Obamacare, but we passed a huge tax cut for the rich. In your face! And after years of nothing from President Wimpy McSissypants, I told ISIS: Talk to the hand, because the face ain’t listening.
Let the word go forth to all fatheads who say my administration stinks of corruption: He who smelt it dealt it. Let all dog-breath goobers who say I am dragging down Republicans know this: LALALALALALA! I can’t hear you! And let everybody who thinks me a failure hear this: I know you are, but what am I? Your FACE is a failure.
The state of my union is bigger and more powerful than the state of your union. And your momma knows it.
Follow Dana Milbank on Twitter @Milbank.