Opinion Columns & Blogs

House of Cards, the sequel: How the government shutdown will end...

As the End of The U.S. Government As We Know It Crisis drags on, I keep wondering, as many of the rest of you do, about one thing.

What’s the end game here?

Each day, the same story appears on the front page of every newspaper in the United States:

“WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama called upon House Speaker John Boehner to end the government shutdown impasse in the House of Representatives today, as non-essential federal employees stayed home and played yet another game of Madden 2013 or drank a six pack.”

As a public service, and to demonstrate my clairvoyance (I correctly predicted the outcome of the Kardashian-Jenner marriage), I herewith provide you with the front page stories of the next few weeks:

October 13: “WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama threatened to ‘open up a can of whupass’ if GOP leaders did not move quickly to end the Affordable Care Act hostage crisis, reminding Speaker John Boehner that he commanded Seal Team Six.”

October 14: “WASHINGTON, DC -- House Speaker John Boehner burst into tears in a GOP caucus meeting today, asserting that ‘I’m going to be crying even more and you are not going to like that’ if recalcitrant tea party members didn’t ‘sober up.’”

October 16: “TRENTON, NJ -- New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie seized control of the Republican Party today, accompanied by several hundred Garden State troopers who escorted him into the U.S. Capitol as lawmakers remained deadlocked.”

October 16: “WASHINGTON, DC -- President Obama welcomed New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie at Andrews Air Force Base today, telling the sane Republican, ‘Dude, I owed you one.’”

October 17: “WASHINGTON, DC -- New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie personally spoke to each tea party GOP member of Congress today.”

October 17: “WASHINGTON, DC -- Sen. Ted Cruz, R-Texas, emerged white-faced from his private conversation with New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie today, saying that the meeting ‘changed my mind while being told the inning and the score, and that I will continue to enjoy the full use of my knee caps after surgery.’”

October 18: “WASHINGTON, DC -- House Speaker John Boehner broke ranks with his caucus today and resigned as Republican House leader, joining several ‘not whack’ GOP congressional leaders to end the government shutdown, saying ‘this was getting ridiculous, and I have missed several tee times in the past two weeks.’”

October 20: “NASSAU, THE BAHAMAS -- Former House Speaker John Boehner called his appointment as the new Ambassador to the Bahamas a ‘profound relief, and very relaxing,’ as President Obama personally served New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie a ‘nice cannoli’ in the East Room of the White House.”