Domestic violence in California: Signs of abuse and first steps to get help

Since the coronavirus pandemic, domestic violence issues have been climbing — and getting more violent.

According to KidsData, a program that promotes children’s wellbeing, more families faced financial stress, unemployment, anxiety and social isolation after the COVID-19 outbreak. This resulted in increases in intimate partner violence.

In 2020, more than 160,000 calls were made by people seeking help for domestic violence-related issues in California. In Sacramento County, 5,120 calls were made that same year, according to the California Department of Justice.

But it goes without saying some cases may go unreported and can escalate.

Just this month, in the Sacramento-area, a man shot and killed his three children and a fourth person, during a supervised visit, a safety procedure for families in domestic violence situations. According to The Bee report, the mother of the children had a restraining order.

It can happen to anyone — women, men, young or old. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that about 1 in 4 women and 1 in 10 men experience some form of violence or stalking by an intimate partner.

Nilda Valmores, executive director of My Sister’s House in Sacramento, a safe haven for survivors of abuse, explained how you can know if you’re in a domestic violence situation and what you can do to get help.

What does domestic violence look like?

There are different types of abuse. This includes physical, verbal, sexual, mental, emotional and financial, Valmores said.

She added that there’s spiritual abuse, where you are not allowed to practice the faith you want to, or you are forced to practice a religion you don’t want to.

There’s also legal or institutional abuse where your partner may threaten to expose your citizenship or legal status, or to take custody of the children.

What’s the difference between mental and emotional abuse?

Valmores said a lot of the abuses may have some overlapping characteristics and connections. However, mental abuse refers to the use of mind games, emotional tirades and gaslighting, a form of manipulation.

Emotional abuse may involve name calling and changing displays of emotion, Valmores said. For example, the person may show affection one day and say they love you, but the next day, say they hate you.

How do you know if you are in a domestic violence situation?

People know in different ways, Valmores said. Some may already be educated about signs of domestic violence, whereas some may have a gut instinct that something is wrong, she said.

This instinct can oftentimes be reinforced with indicators such as bruises or not having money because your partner took it all. Other indicators, she said, could be your partner yelling at you all the time or your partner making you feel worthless.

What are the first steps to getting help?

Valmores said people who are in an abusive relationship need to make sure they stay safe as possible, physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually because it is all part of their wellbeing.

“Whatever it takes to stay safe is really important,” she said. “And no judgment there.”

This means protecting yourself and making sure you have a safe place to stay, money and emotional support.

Other steps she recommends people trying to escape domestic violence situations take include:

• Trust your instinct - If you’re being abused, you should acknowledge that, but not necessarily out loud, because you don’t want to make your partner mad, Valmores said.

• Talk to people you trust - Tell friends and family members who you trust and who you know will believe you.

• Know the resources available for you - There are state and local services and programs dedicated to people experiencing relationship abuse. “I often worry about people who don’t call a helpline and who don’t know about shelters that are set up to protect them,” Valmores said. “Who don’t know that they don’t need to pay for an expensive attorney because there are attorneys that can assist them for free to get a restraining order.”

• Get all your important documents in order - Have all your personal documents ready, like you would if you were evacuating from a natural disaster, Valmores said. This includes your identification cards, Social Security and birth certificate.

• Make it less stressful for your kids - If you have kids, Valmores recommends that parents bring their favorite toys, pacifier or blanket. This will make the situation for them as comforting as possible.

Resources available to you

Sacramento County has many resources available to survivors of domestic violence. The county has a list of helplines, emergency services for children, counseling and legal services.

The county’s Family Relations Courthouse also hosts free workshops to help people prepare paperwork needed to file restraining orders.

You can also call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or 1-800-787-3224.