Gun violence and grief: Navigating traumatic Sacramento-area shooting news with our kids

The feeling of grief is oftentimes unavoidable and almost always painful. And it can be especially difficult for young children who are experiencing or perceiving loss for the first time.

Following the Sacramento-area mass shooting Monday evening that left three children dead in what appears to be a domestic violence issue, parents, teachers and guardians may be wondering how they can approach this news with their young kids.

A gunman opened fire in an Arden Arcade church, killing his three daughters and another person before turning the gun on himself. The girls, ages 9, 10 and 13, were students in the Natomas Unified School District, which made mental health resources available in schools Tuesday.

According to the National Association of School Psychologists, each child is affected by death differently, “depending on his or her developmental level, cultural beliefs, personal characteristics, family situation, and previous experiences.”

Mental health experts from the Sacramento region shared some insight on how parents, teachers and children can navigate loss together.

Look out for acute stress reactions

Brandi Hawk, a licensed child psychologist at UC Davis Health, said children experience acute stress reactions after hearing about traumatic events, such as shootings or murders that include someone their age or other kids.

She said to pay attention to behaviors such as difficulty with concentration or attention, crying, screaming and anxiety.

“We also might see that kids try to do things on their own. They’re not seeking input from their parents, or the opposite,” she said. “They become more clingy and they want to be close to their parents.”

She added some younger children may bring what they saw and heard into their play with dolls, animals or building toys.

Start the conversation

Hawk said that classroom discussions about recent tragedies will vary from age group.

In general, she said, older children in elementary, middle and high school will likely have heard about news of violence and murder from the news, their parents, friends or social media.

“It is important to start the conversation because sometimes when we don’t talk about things that we know that the children know, it can feel more threatening or suggest that this is something too difficult to speak about or that children shouldn’t be allowed to talk about it,” Hawk said.

Don’t push the conversation

Hawk advises against pushing the conversation on children. Instead, adults should ask kids what they already know and see if there is anything they want to talk about.

“If the kids don’t know, then it’s not necessarily the teacher’s responsibility to tell them about what happened,” she said. “But if the children do know about it and they are talking about it, then certainly we want teachers to be able to listen and to provide accurate, factual, age-appropriate information.”

She recommends that parents do the same and to respond to their children’s questions, but to not overwhelm them with information they don’t need to know and to not force them to talk if they don’t want to.

Be open and honest

David Bain, executive director of the National Alliance on Mental Health in Sacramento, said parents should be honest and use words that they know their children will understand.

“Parents are most likely to get a better response from their child when they talk openly about the subject,” Bain said.

He added that adults should give them time to take in the information before continuing or asking questions.

But it’s not always necessary to talk.

“Sometimes silence is okay,” Bain said.

Be a role model and show kids how you cope

Parents should let their kids know it’s alright to cry and for them to see you cry, Bain said.

“[K]ids model what they see and so maintaining your own self care during a time of a loved ones death [is] important,” he said.

Hawk of UC Davis said that parents should talk about their own feelings and what they like to do when they are feeling sad, like spending time with family, playing games, exercising or reading.

She said parents should talk out loud and demonstrate their coping mechanisms and see if the child would like to join.

Seek professional help

Dr. Arrickia McDaniel, clinical director of Strive Community Health, said that there are common factors that indicate a child may need professional counseling to process grief. It includes:

• Socially withdrawn
• Lack of participation in previous interests
• Decrease in academic performance
• Isolation
• Poor hygiene
• Irregular sleeping patterns
• Lack/increase of appetite
• Nightmares
• Inappropriate behaviors
• Unusually temperamental

Sacramento has a wide range of resources for children and family members who need mental health support due to loss, grief, domestic violence and trauma.

Sacramento county has a list of counseling programs for all ages, therapy services dedicated to helping the Black and African American community and NAMI Sacramento has a catalog of support groups and counseling resources.

Those in the county can also submit a mental health request form to connect to an appropriate health provider.

Other resources for mental health support include:

• 24/7 source support line for youth and caregivers - (916)-787-7678
• Sacramento 24/7 suicide prevention hotline - (916) 368-3111 or (800) 273-8255
• National Suicide Prevention Lifeline - (800) 273-8255

This story was originally published March 1, 2022 at 3:27 PM.