One soldier’s letter home tells of capture at Bowling Green, while another bemoans probiotic shortages at the medic tent. Other missives describe barbaric, Miracle Whip-eating enemy soldiers and pitched battles over Starbucks and Chick-fil-A shops.
Welcome to the Second Civil War.
Alex Jones, the host of the conspiracy theory-loving InfoWars website, on Sunday warned readers of an insidious Democratic plot to ignite a second Civil War on Independence Day.
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People on Twitter responded with a volley of mocking letters home from the front lines under the hashtag #SecondCivilWarLetters, written in the style of authentic letters from the original War Between the States.
In keeping with correspondence from the first Civil War, many letters from soldiers in the faux war decry the hardships of life on the march and in the field.
“My Tide Pods rations are running low, and there is nobody to pick the avocados,” complains one erstwhile soldier.
"The mess hall has run out of avocados so I was forced to top my toast with jam. The fog of war is so trying at times that even my therapy unicorn brings no comfort,” reads another young enlistee’s letter to his parents.
Others describe pivotal battles in the war, in which control of Chick-fil-A, Hobby Lobby and Starbucks outlets appear to be crucial.
“Dearest mother, We have taken control of the Chick-fil-a but I fear those Trumpsters have taken one of our Starbucks. We march at dawn for ice lattes and freedom,” reads one post.
“I’m on the front line, pinned down between Williams-Sonoma and Chili’s. We’ve incurred heavy casualties (soccer travel season thinning our ranks), but morale is high. Just stay alive. I WILL find you, even if my iPhone is at 2 percent,” writes another would-be soldier.
Some letters home describe encounters with the enemy. “They eat Miracle Whip and Ted Nugent has fans. Pray for us,” reads one missive.
By Tuesday, Twitter reported more than 16,000 posts with the #SecondCivilWarLetters hashtag, according to The Detroit Free Press.