Strange and unexpected ways California’s primary could shape 2020 presidential election

Now that the 2020 presidential election (start date: Nov. 9, 2016) is actually just around the corner, California is finally at the center of the primary action.

Once the vermiform appendix of primaries, California’s primary date was usually June 4. California’s primary vote between Sen. Robert F. Kennedy and Sen. Eugene McCarthy was of rather high consequence in 1968, but mostly hasn’t been at the center of the action, because, you know, influential states like, um, Iowa (thanks for the food!) and New Hampshire (thanks for the snow!) have had much more effective positions in the calendar.

You know, first and second.

This time, California is on Super Tuesday, which is a fancy way of saying it’s kind of thirdish with 14 other states. This doesn’t include “Democrats Abroad,” which, along with Super Tuesday, would make a great indie rock band name.

Of course, everyone in the national political world was shocked by the suspension of the Sen. Kamala Harris’s presidential campaign, except, of course, everyone who lived in California.

Without judging Sen. Harris in any personal way whatsoever, you didn’t hear a lot about her campaign in California. One would hear Pete. One would hear Bernie. One would hear Joe. One would hear Elizabeth.

But one would rarely hear the name Kamala Harris. When you did, it was always from a Democratic elected official who usually said things like, “Of course I think Sen. Harris is the most qualified to be president,” and then they would allow how they really liked Pete, or Bernie, or Joe, or Elizabeth.

Gov. Gavin Newsom comes immediately to mind in this regard, and his people are very quick to point out that, oh no, of course he’s not really looking at this (now). The governor had just bought his ticket to fly to Iowa when Sen. Harris dropped out. He must have been relieved that he was on Southwest and could use it later. You are now free to campaign about the country.

It also seemed, well, really odd that Sen. Dianne Feinstein was not only not on board with her U.S. Senate colleague’s presidential campaign, she had already endorsed Vice President Joe Biden.

But, hey. Now Sen. Harris is out.

What’s going to happen in California? Who’s going to win? How will it play out?

We can tell you.

Dec. 23 – Andrew Yang, D-101010101010, announces that his candidacy is actually the season finale of HBO’s “Silicon Valley.”

Dec. 25 – Former New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg, D-Republican, wearing a red suit and white beard, makes a surprise appearance in every single residence in California to deliver “joy” and “good will” with a 65-inch Samsung flat screen television, just in case “someone missed my commercials.”

Jan. 1 – Declaring a “new era, again,” Sen. Michael Bennet, D-Colorado, makes surprise announcement that he is still running for president. He also continues to be the brother of The New York Times editorial page editor James Bennet, who has decided never to run political cartoons in the NYT ever again. This is noted by other political cartoonists in the United States. Particularly California cartoonists.

Jan. 17 – Sen. Amy Klobuchar, D-State Next To Iowa, continues meteoric rise in Iowa Poll, passing Sen. Michael Bennet. Klobuchar travels to San Diego because “Davenport. I mean, in the winter. DAVENPORT, IOWA IS SO COLD. PLEASE. HELP. ME.” San Diego paramedics revive her with sunlight and a Margarita. She is fine.

Jan. 25 – Sen. Cory Booker declares that “he’s in it to win it: eighth place would be nice.’ Booker is pleased that he is not mistaken for former 2014 GOP gubernatorial candidate Neel Kashkari, who now lives in Minnesota. You’ll have to ask him why.

Feb. 1 – Vice President Joe Biden skips every single event in California except San Francisco and Los Angeles fundraisers. Stays at 18 percent in the state, where he has held steady since 1973.

Feb. 2 – Mayor Pete Buttigieg accidentally tells an AP San Francisco reporter that the population of South Bend, Indiana is 102,000, a closely-guarded secret, which is the about same size as a Rose Bowl game.

Feb. 3 – Sen. Michael Bennet wins Iowa Caucuses, his brother the Editorial Page Editor of The New York Times who won’t run political cartoons notwithstanding.

Feb. 9 – Citing a “plan of some kind for whatever you think might be cool,” Sen. Elizabeth Warren campaigns in San Jose waving a sheaf of papers around with the word “plans” written on them.

Feb. 11 – New Hampshire Primary is canceled due to inclement weather. Sen. Klobuchar is reported missing.

Feb. 12 – Sen. Bernie Sanders, D-Emocratwhenit’sconvenient, is endorsed by Sacramento’s tattooed bro community.

Feb. 14 – Just Slightly Less Than A Billionaire Tom Steyer, D-His Head, delivers 86-inch Samsung televisions to every single California household for Valentine’s Day. Just in case you missed his commercials.

Feb. 26 – Sen. Klobuchar is found on a San Diego beach, drunk and tan. Her spokesman says “she’s chillaxing on the vibe,” and will continue to make appearances on the beach.

March 3 – Sen. Bennet wins California Primary and all other Super Tuesday states. He will then hate cartoons, too.