Gov. Gavin Newsom didn’t give this State of the State speech. But he should have
Gov. Gavin Newsom gave his State of the State address a few days ago, and, like most such speeches, it was pleasantly vague.
Former Gov. Jerry Brown’s State of the State speeches tended to be more dialectical (a word he might have used in one), and we usually needed CliffsNotes to follow along. Brown gave 14 of them, which is a full semester of State of the State speeches.
Newsom’s was more accessible but didn’t really sound much like the actual Newsom, who tends to drift into Silicon Valley Speak.
The governor said he knew things bigger than the State of the State speech were happening in the world. Still, he gamely slogged through.
So you don’t have to, I completed the following wholesale rewrite. For our literal-minded readers, it bears reiterating that this is completely made up.
“My fellow Californians, our state was, is, and always will be a seismic, socioeconomic and political dumpster/forest fire.
“But we also have Yosemite and Monterey, San Francisco and San Luis Obispo, the Sierra Nevada and the Sacramento-San Joaquin Delta, In-N-Out Burger and vegan dog food. So we’re also super chill.
“As I gesture forcefully with my right hand extended, gazing hopefully into the middle distance, I offer my determinative localist analysis, quite literally refusing to live in the aggregate, while rejecting old binaries and even trinaries. I know I’m going long already.
“First, I want to acknowledge the diversity of our political leadership. Our lieutenant governor is the proud daughter of an incredibly wealthy Sacramento real estate family. Our speaker, when not laying whoopee cushions on my chair at every turn, has a Ph.D. from a state school, and our Senate president pro tem from Virginia puts the Southern in Southern California. In fact, she’s the first person ever from Virginia to be pro tem and speaker. That’s the California Way©, a registered trademark we kinda got from the 1972 Robert Redford movie ‘The Candidate.’
“Our California democracy is under attack, mostly by what’s left of Republicans who have decided to mechanically parrot the spittle-spraying delusions of former President Donald Tru — oops, don’t say his name. And don’t get me started on my ex-wife, who is, for some unknown reason, sharing toothbrushes with his idiot kid.
“Democracy is under attack in the Golden State, but we are resilient. Thanks to a few goofball Republicans who wanted to have an election for governor every 16 weeks, we now know we have a lot of democracy in California, and I’ll get exactly the same percentage of the vote every time. That’s to the tune of $250 million in taxpayer money from the party of fiscal conservatism, but hey.
“We need to make further progress on homelessness, particularly for software developers with a net income of $10 million who cannot afford a two-bedroom condo in Silicon Valley. We need to tackle mental illness, particularly Elon Musk wanting to live in Texas.
“The other homeless people? I’m working on it. I’m always working on it, but you know, I’m not the Mayor of California. Does that sound petulant?
“We’ve made great progress on COVID-19, and we now have a road map for ditching masks in classrooms, which some school districts are pretty much ignoring. Compared to Florida and Texas, which for some reason want to bolster their funeral industries, California is way ahead of the two dumbest governors in America.
“Let me continue to dump on Florida for a bit longer. California has been a leader in vehicle emissions standards. You’d think Governor Florida Man might have more of an interest in emissions given that his state is going to be underwater in 20 years.
“In conclusion, I’d like to dis Florida a third time, just for fun. Also, Florida is weird. That’s four. The California Way means that as I grip the lectern somberly, I’ll be running for reelection this year, and in 2023, 2024 and 2025.
“Thank you, and one more rim shot, please, for mentioning Florida.
“Get your California Way merch at www.CalWay.gov.”