Some Californians didn’t vote because the envelope was ‘so very heavy,’ fake poll says
Now that the pivotal and crucial (it’s always pivotal and crucial) California primary election is over, I’d like to share some exit polling that I just completely made up.
Californians who didn’t vote in the primary:
- Why didn’t you vote?
- 32%: My cats kept interrupting my reading of the voter guide.
- 25%: I was stoned and binge-watching episodes of “Ice Road Truckers.”
- 20%: I was so exhausted from the recall I decided to sleep instead.
- 14%: I was going to vote, but the envelope was so very heavy.
- 9%: If some sort of television or movie personality isn’t running, it’s a waste of my time.
Californians who voted in the primary:
- How would you describe your political views?
- 24%: Liberal, but hey, I like money.
- 16%: Conservative, but I want huge federal programs like Social Security and Medicare as a birthright.
- 13%: I am completely obsessed with semiautomatic rifles.
- 12%: I make no linear sense whatsoever.
- 10%: I am heavily influenced by commercials featuring unflattering black-and-white photographs of hack politicians with ominous-sounding voice-overs.
- 9%: I am a bot programmed by a television news network.
- 9%: No one wants me over at Thanksgiving.
- 4%: I am not from your planet.
- 3%: I am covered with spittle.
•••
- In the race for California governor, why did you vote for Gavin Newsom?
- 66%: Good lord, didn’t we just do this?
- 33%: How many times do I have to vote for this guy in a 12-month period?
- 1%: I like hearing the words “determinative,” “foundational” and “iterative.”
•••
- In the U.S. Senate race, for whom did you vote and how many times?
- 34%: Alex Padilla, once.
- 45%: Alex Padilla, twice.
- 21%: Alex Padilla, three times, accidentally.
•••
- In the race for state insurance commissioner, for whom did you vote?
- 37%: Insurance Commissioner Ricardo Lara.
- 17%: Assemblyman Marc Levine.
- 46%: Flo from Progressive.
•••
- How would you describe your Assembly member?
- 46%: Tedious student council president type.
- 26%: The outgoing assemblyman’s wife.
- 18%: Not as tall as I’d like.
- 10%: Really a dreadful dresser, and I mean bad.
•••
- In the 3rd Congressional District race, how influential was Donald Trump’s endorsement?
- 44%: Ask Scott Jones.
- 36%: Kevin Kiley couldn’t get the dude with the buffalo hat from Jan. 6, but Trump will do.
- 20%: You’d think two GOP candidates with law degrees would know that treason was unconstitutional, but no.
•••
- Did you know El Dorado County has an elected county surveyor?
- 56%: I don’t even know what a surveyor is.
- 34%: In a contested race, how would you even go negative against your opponent for surveyor? Accuse him of having a dirty spotting scope?
- 10%: Can I answer your question with a question?
•••
- Did you vote for someone you had never heard of?
- 47%: Yes, for El Dorado County surveyor.
- 34%: Yes, for lieutenant governor.
- 10%: Yes, for lieutenant governor of El Dorado County.
- 5%: Yes, for everything.
- 4%: No, but I always write in Franklin D. Roosevelt on general principle.
•••
- What phrase best describes your view of California?
- 33%: A complete and total mess featuring intractable social and political infighting with awesome surfing.
- 29%: A sprawling fire hazard with really primo theme parks.
- 15%: An unaffordable poverty-ridden hellscape with really great ski resorts.
- 8%: The end of civilization as we know it with a fine selection of varietal wines.
Next week, we’ll look at polling on the El Dorado County surveyor’s potential as a gubernatorial recall candidate in 2025.
This story was originally published June 10, 2022 at 6:00 AM.