Gavin Newsom probably won’t have to give a concession speech Tuesday. But what if he did?
Back before the threat of a fascist dictatorship loomed over American election nights, they used to be fun. We had coffee and doughnuts at polling places, bunting and balloons to celebrate the results, and candidates giving victory or concession speeches untinged by existential dread.
Now that former President Donald Trump has broken that mold like a White House antique, we have protracted lawsuits, potential riots and possible coups.
Meanwhile, in California, we have an almost unnoticed gubernatorial race between the Democratic incumbent, Gavin Newsom, and Republican state Sen. Brian Dahle. In California, we usually talk about gubernatorial races only in non-election years in which the state’s Republicans blow a quarter of a billion dollars of your money on a recall. You know, fiscal conservatism.
Anyway, in an effort to bring the fun back to American elections and the excitement back to California politics, let’s pretend that I have obtained advance copies of concession speeches by Newsom and Dahle and am publishing them here, starting with the likely loser. Let me be clear: I made all of this up.
Goodbye, Dahle
My name is Brian Dahle. D-A-H-L— oh, never mind. I was the Republican nominee for governor of California. I swear.
Arnold Schwarzenegger; Ronald Reagan; heck, even Richard Nixon: California has had some pretty well-known Republican nominees for governor.
I’m not one of them.
Anyway, I have called Governor Newsom to concede the race. He didn’t pick up, but I did call him.
All across California, people have come up to me and said, “Hey, you, whatsyerface. How come you’re sane and the Republican nominee for governor? That can’t happen.”
Well, it did. But this will be the last time. Trust me.
During the recall, we had all sorts of candidates. They ranged from the blandly craven Kevin Faulconer to the insanely craven Larry Elder to the youthfully craven Kevin Kiley to the commercially craven Caitlyn Jenner.
I’m not craven at all. I’m just the nice guy who had to represent a party that has lost its collective mind.
For those of you who wanted more nuttiness, just wait: You’ll get it.
Literally shocking
Whoa. That wasn’t supposed to happen.
Tonight, California voters have spoken resoundingly, and they have elected Brian … well, they elected the guy who was running against me.
I called to congratulate him on a race that was surprisingly free of actual human interaction, except for a KQED radio debate heard by at least a third of the membership of the Commonwealth Club and well over one political reporter.
The other fellow and I saved television stations hundreds of millions of dollars in advertising revenue, which helped keep inflation down.
I spent my campaign money in Florida, where I am not remotely challenging Ron DeSantis for the presidency in either 2024 or 2028. Nor am I contemplating any long-planned family trips to Des Moines, Iowa, or Manchester, New Hampshire.
As a point of pride, I stand before you in this space focused on the aggregate in real time. I ask you to look beyond the iterative with profound intentionality, and I further ask you to consider the functionality of an impactful determinative localism whereby the people have communicated their vote literally through an equity lens within a foundational frame.
Let us not deep-dive into rancor. Let us not develop a scarcity mindset. Let us look into a future free of stretch goals and welcome as our new governor ... Bryce, um, Daly.
As for me, I’m off to some square states in flyover country while not running for the presidency in 2024 or 2028, especially now that I lost to Mr., uh, Dooley.
Thank you, God bless America, and be sure to watch the new “Gavin Newsom Show” on NBC. My first guest will be the governor-elect of the great state of California, Bronson Dalí.