In my first year in California, I learned how men can become toxic to others | Opinion
Masculinity in America is often defined as a rejection of femininity and the idea that emotions are not good for us. The fatal flaw of this idea is that defining masculinity this way is bad for everyone, especially men.
I learned this the hard way, in the first year of my new life here in Sacramento. The experience changed me and made me realize that if it’s true that men, especially young men, are disproportionately lost in our current culture, it’s because of harmful feelings that infect us like a sickness. June is Men’s Health Awareness Month, in case you didn’t know. I’m much more aware this June than I was last.
But getting there wasn’t easy.
Every man has been told at some point that his purpose is to be a protector and a partner in building a family. Many are eager to take on this role and some feel as though they must be this strong man to achieve what it means to be a man.
I was a man whose main goal was to find a partner and do everything I could to please them. What I wasn’t told was the pain that would come from having this weight placed on my shoulders.
On New Year’s Eve, my partner and I of three years went to Crepeville on 18th and L. The night before, we both sank into a pit of sadness because we left unsaid what would become the inevitable end of our relationship. We had been living long distance for the better part of our relationship. We were on two different paths, still wanted each other, but that just couldn’t happen.
Sitting at a table in Crepeville, she looked up and said, “Do you want to break up?” Hearing those words was like a knife to the heart. Here was the woman, this person that I had dedicated my life to, who I committed to protecting, asking me if we should end our relationship.
I began to choke up. And then I said yes. I took her back to my place, and she got the next plane out of Sacramento.
Weeks later, I was in my home watching TV and eating some dinner. Nothing out of the ordinary. And then I heard a voice in my head telling me I was no good.
I thought it was just an intrusive thought, but it didn’t go away. I didn’t realize until that point that I was depressed. The emotions that I had for my ex remained, and they turned into a toll, a feeling that I had failed, and that the only way I could atone was to punish myself with negative and harsh feelings and thoughts about myself.
I would stay inside with my dog, Pepper, depriving her of walks. I wouldn’t eat much, and I would let the stress from life eat at me.
That is until one day, when I was in front of my computer screen. I was doing the normal email check, and then I decided to open up a document. I began to write down all my feelings and raw emotions. But what made me tear up — what led me to get a therapist — was one sentence.
“I love you, LeBron.” Throughout all the pain I felt from the breakup and self-destruction, I still had love. I still looked into the mirror and loved the person I saw across from me.
The very next thing I did was reach out to a therapist to take care of the love I have for myself.
Months into therapy, I started noticing changes. Pepper was getting three walks a day. I was hanging out with friends more. I was smiling more. I was me.
Just be you
My takeaway from my therapy and what I’ve seen from men is that we let outside factors affect how we feel — if we even do that.
Emotions don’t go away. They build and grow until they need to be let out. But far too many men don’t have an outlet for their emotions.
Your mental health journey doesn’t just end when you find a bright moment, but the lessons we learn can become a foundation to ground ourselves for when the darkness may arrive. My plea to men is to never feel guilty for choosing yourself and for doing things for yourself instead of what society wants out of you. And know that people are there to help you.
We have to remember that you are the source of hope. You are the light that gets its energy from the goodness that you’ve received in life from loved ones.
When it gets tough, remember to love yourself. Because that is enough. You are enough.
This story was originally published June 13, 2025 at 5:00 AM.
