Jack Ohman

Golden State sequel to ‘House of Cards’

johman@sacbee.com

With Season 3 of “House of Cards” underway, the nefarious Frank Underwood has become president of the United States, and he appoints his wife, first lady Claire Underwood, as U.N. ambassador.

Of course, that could never happen in real life. The real first lady would become a U.S. senator from a state she has no residency in, and become secretary of state under a president she doesn’t like.

Let’s get real, “House of Cards” writers.

There is a power couple out here in California who might make a decidedly less felonious but still highly entertaining sequel to “House of Cards.” I have found an advance copy of a treatment for …

“House of Corgis. Available on Petflix.”

Episode One:

Gov. Jerry Brown and first lady Anne Gust Brown sit in his Oakland warehouse-office.

JERRY: I’ve got $24 million in campaign funds. What should I do with it?

ANNE: Unless they perfect cryonics, you’ll probably be out of office by 2019, so you should think about spreading the wealth to the next generation of leaders.

JERRY: To me, the next generation remembers when Truman was president. Who did you have in mind?

ANNE: Well, it ain’t Gavin Awesome, baby.

Episode Two:

JERRY: We need to be patient while I ram the twin tunnels through the Legislature.

(Turns to camera to address audience)

Anne’s father ran for lieutenant governor of Michigan and lost in 1962, the same year my father was re-elected governor of California. Now, it’s payback time.

ANNE: I’ve been carrying your water since 1990. I’ve been your faithful companion, patiently listening to your Latin and your philosophical ramblings about the imperfectibility of man.

JERRY: Caveat emptor, darling.

ANNE: I want a piece of the action. Now! I want a legal post.

JERRY: Which one? I’ve already appointed every 39-year-old Yale Law grad to every available judgeship in California. Where did you go to law school again?

ANNE: The University of Michigan.

JERRY: Jeez, that’s not even an Ivy.

Episode Three:

JERRY: You want to be attorney general? That’s big. Why not go for something farther down the food chain, like lieutenant governor? You’d have plenty of time for personal grooming.

ANNE: Forget that. I want you to make an interim appointment.

JERRY: (Turns to camera to address audience) She’s right. I am going to make that appointment. I just have to get rid of a few people, like Darrell Steinberg, that Boy Scout. Make it look like an accident. Not really bump him off. Just put him on some commission where he thinks he actually helps people.

(Sen. Kamala Harris enters room)

KAMALA: I hate the new job. Just got back from my Sorghum and Wheat Joint Select Subcommittee hearing. Reid says I have to be quiet until 2024. It’s cold back there. I want out.

JERRY: Anne, how about the U.S. Senate?

ANNE: No, thanks. All that face-time with Ted Cruz. Yuck.

JERRY: Fine. I’ll give it to Janet Napolitano. Get her out of my face. I have another candidate for attorney general.

ANNE: Who?

JERRY: (Scratching Sutter’s chin) Who’s a good boy?

SUTTER: I’m in, if Willie Brown clears the field.

ANNE: What do I get?

JERRY: UC. It’s very lucrative. Ask the assistant vice chancellors for communications.

  Comments