Jack Ohman

Oops, errant Clinton emails land in Jack’s inbox

Hillary Clinton hadn’t held a news conference for two years when she answered questions about her emails the other day. It was a low-energy performance, the equivalent of Pablo Sandoval stepping into the batter’s box after spending the winter drinking cherry Slurpees and eating Pizza Pringles.

I also was struck by Clinton’s somewhat offhand comment that she didn’t save her 30,000 pages of personal emails.

Maybe this a “Listen to me, I did not have texts with that woman” moment. Or maybe it’s just one more blip in the Clinton melodrama. I couldn’t help but wonder what she wrote in those “not saved” personal emails. Fortunately, she misfired a few and they somehow landed in my inbox.

“Bill – Got your note about ‘any future role’ after 2016 election. Here’s your future role: Keep your pie hole shut for four and possibly eight years. Golf. Fish. Whatev. HRC. P.S. Please call server maintenance man.” Jan. 20, 2009.

“Dear Joe – Thanks for your recent thoughts in re: Constitution about vice presidency extending into third term. I guess it’s legal and all, but, dude. Come on. Golf. Fish. Hang out with Bill. He needs a buddy. Hugs, HRC.” Jan. 21, 2009.

“Dear President Obama: Yes. I agree. We should launch an allied invasion against Iran on Nov. 7, 2016. See attached logistics and troop movements in Word doc. Oops. Wrong email account. I hate having two phones. Will send under separate cover in secure wire. Respectfully, Hillary Rodham Clinton.” Jan. 20, 2013.

“Hey, Mitch – check out Reid’s new shades. He’ll have lots of time to enjoy the Nevada sun after Gov. Sandoval throws him off his exercise machine in 2016. I’ve looked at which seats are open, and I’m sure you’ll enjoy Warren as majority leader. I’m sure she’ll be just as nice as you were. XXX, HRC.” Jan. 2, 2015.

“Bill – Call the server guy again. I don’t think all the emails got dumped. Can you do it? Love you after all, you big lug! HRC P.S. Is this evidence? Snort. Not anymore ;-)” Jan. 3, 2015.

“Dear Chelsea: Ugh. Another tiresome day in Iowa where I got my pants suit kicked in 2008. So cold. But it’s much more fun having no real opposition this time around except for Bernie Sanders, who seems very nice about wanting to create a Politburo. Upside: no Iowa caucuses. You don’t want this. Love, Mom.” Feb. 2, 2015.

“Hi, Chelsea – Whatever you do, don’t let Daddy sing ‘Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow’ to the baby. So sick of that stupid song. Love, Mom.” Feb. 3, 2015.

“Bill – Yes, I did see the news story about your portrait and blue dress shadow. You’re lucky he didn’t wrap it around your neck like I wanted to. Have a good round. Follow through. HRC.” March 2, 2015.

“Dear Sen. Cotton – See you’re running for president from Arkansas in 2020. Heh. Sometimes, it doesn’t turn out so good. Ask Huckabee, and he was from Hope. Seriously, HRC.

“P.S. If you pull a stunt like that letter under my administration, you’ll have lots of time to memorize Logan Act language in Gitmo.” March 10, 2015

“Hey, Jeb – thanks for the email advice. You’re right. Maybe I should just release them all like you did. Bore them to death. Pretty good strategery – LOL – on your part. I see you’ve lost weight. Lookin’ good! Glad you’re running – takes the dynasty rap off me. See you in Florida, and believe me, I have the meanest lawyers in Dade County. Regards to W. and Poppy. HRC.” March 9, 2015

“Dear Andrea Mitchell: Thanks for recent question at news conference about emails. I can hardly wait to read your torrid emails with your husband Alan Greenspan. So much naughty talk about money supply. Snore. Please. Meow. Affectionately, HRC.” March 11, 2015.