When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and a reality television program, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind require that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation, and not of families from children.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men and women are created equal, even if their congressional districts are not, and they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable (not illegal aliens, either) Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, and not hackers in Russia.
But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism (but please, let’s not deny them seating at the Red Hen), it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government in the 2018 midterms.
The history of the present President of the United States is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these Blue, Purple, and Red States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world, even the EU.
– He has refused his Assent to Laws that affect his businesses, and made Emoluments a word that a second grader now knows.
– He has instructed his EPA Director to spread Filth and Poison throughout the precious land.
– He has called together legislative bodies and caused them to bow down before him while fashioning contradictory policy positions so as to confuse even Senators and Congressmen of his own Party.
– He has made compacts with foreign dictators contradictory to the Best Interests of the United States, and fallen hook, line, and sinker for the laughable denial of Russian meddling, which is Affirmed even by the President’s own intelligence agencies.
– He has lowered the Tone of Political Discourse to that of a profane, self-indulgent infant.
– He golfs in too much Abundance while denying golf and American birthright to his immediate predecessor.
– He has obstructed the Administration of Justice by firing the FBI Director and threatens to impede a legal federal investigation by any means necessary, such as handmaidens in the Freedom Caucus and the electronic transmission of Childish, Truncated Bird Noises known as “tweets.”
– He demands military parades against the advice of his own military, to deflect attention from his own Bone Spurs.
– He has erected a multitude of New Offices for members of his own immediate family, most of whom wouldn’t last six seconds in the Private Sector.
– He has created Unneeded Wars of Trade with Allies such as Canada, who are very nice people, and created job losses for companies that he previously shamelessly touted, such as Harley-Davidson.
We, therefore, the Representatives of Sensible America (and we are far more in number and greater legion than the listeners of InfoWars), call for Independence from this madhouse. And for the support of this Declaration, we mutually pledge to each other our Lives, our Fortunes, and our sacred Honor, and would be fine even with John Kasich as President.