Jack Ohman

State worker survey: And the answer is ...

California state government employees will soon have the opportunity to take an 11-question survey about how they view their jobs.

This survey, which cost $49,000, hasn’t been released to the general public, but 5,000 randomly selected workers will soon take the quiz. I have come into possession of a copy of the exam and will give them a heads-up.

1. Describe your supervisor

A. He’s a petty autocrat.

B. She’s my mom.

C. He’s just not that into me.

D. Excitable.

E. Narcoleptic.

2. Which best describes your office environment?

A. “Game of Thrones”

B. “The Office” (British version).

C. The last days of World War II in Berlin.

D. A Superfund site.

E. The bats and roaches get to me sometimes, but there are good potlucks.

3. What do your regular duties include?

A. Typing carbons on Underwood manuals and updating the Rolodex.

B. Explaining things to the general public, like the three branches of government.

C. Explaining things to my supervisor, like the three branches of government.

D. Busting my rear for the People of California, who think a corgi is governor.

E. Filling out surveys.

4. Have you ever seen the director of your department or agency?

A. Yes, all the time.

B. Yes, at golf.

C. Yes, flying down to L.A. on Thursday.

D. Yes, in a photograph on the wall in the reception area.

E. Yes, with Bigfoot and Elvis.

5. What is your current title?

A. Analyst

B. Technician

C. Supervisor

D. Administrative Assistant to the Administrative Assistant to the Assistant Administrator for Administration

E. “The Shadow”

6. When confronted with a problem, how does your team react?

A. We calmly analyze the situation and come up with a comprehensive solution.

B. We calmly analyze the situation and swear violently at each other.

C. We calmly analyze the situation and brandish swords.

D. We transfer it to another department.

E. We create another department.

7. What three words best describe your department?

A. Joker, joker, joker.

B. Oh. My. God.

C. Out to lunch.

D. Efficient, precise, engaged.

E. Fake, unfilled positions.

8. How would you rate your department’s accuracy and efficiency?

A. Poor.

C. Poor.

B. Satisfactory.

D. All of the above.

E. All of the below.

9. What is your salary range?

A. Not enough to keep a medium-sized cat alive.

B. Slightly less that what the part-time guy at 7-Eleven makes.

C. Just enough to make ends meet in rural China.

D. A second-string NBA guard.

E. A UC system Assistant Vice Chancellor for Communications.

10. What one thing would you change about your job?

A. The mind-numbing tedium.

B. The soul-killing emptiness.

C. The bat poop on my desk.

D. The size of the window; it’s too small to throw my desk through.

E. The size of my desk; it’s too big to throw through my window.

11. Do political considerations enter into your decision-making?

A. Only when the Chevron lobbyist spills his Manhattan on my desk.

B. Only when my state senator cries in agony over a wasted Manhattan.

C. Only when I’m experiencing sentient thought.

D. Only when I try to make decisions.

E. No. I work in an airtight plastic bubble.