Hey Gavin Newsom: If you really want to be a game show host, here is how to do it right

Gov. Gavin Newsom, D-Powerball, has become a game show host.

In some ways, this is to be expected, given this state’s predilection for electing movie stars as governor (Ronald Reagan, Arnold Schwarzenegger). There was also the now nearly-forgotten U.S. Senator George Murphy, a 1930s movie song-and-dance man. Oh, and singer Sonny Bono to the U.S. House of Representatives.

Me? I’m all in on Cher for Congress, still.

As part of Gov. Newsom’s gambit to get people to do something they should be doing anyway (get vaccinated), his pitch is to give away vacations and money.

I don’t blame him. But if Newsom is going to give away vaccination vacations while he’s on the clock of a heretofore important and prestigious job, I propose he strictly limit the prizes to California destinations, in order to bolster the state’s economy and prop up under-visited places in the state. Try these hotspots:

CALIFORNIA WATER TOUR: Enjoy Lake Shasta hikes! Not around Lake Shasta, but in Lake Shasta. No boat? No problem! Dump the deck shoes and put on those low hiking boots! And bring your own water (Evian, San Pellegrino, and other fine brands available at the trailhead (formerly the marina).

GOLDEN STATE STUMP ADVENTURE: Hit the climate-change former forests of California and avoid the pesky pine needles and falling branches. Navigate your way through thousands of acres of blackened trees as you attempt to identify native species through carbon analysis.

OXYGENWORLD: Come August, you’ll be craving tasty and nutritious clean air due to raging blazes, and it’s not just wood smoke, folks! It’s burning car seats, tires, spa covers, and all sorts of toxic chemical-based particulate crud. At Oxygenworld, you’ll be in a purified geodesic dome of 100 percent fresh oxygen, one of nature’s favorite elements.

DISNEY MASKLESS ADVENTURE: Get back to real life at America’s favorite destination resort, where you can stop worrying about Covid-19 and get back to worrying about paying $7 for an apple. Spy the CIA Agent-like polo-shirted Disney employees appearing out of nowhere and making sure that you’re not sitting anywhere you’re not supposed to sit. Without masks, you can get back to normal, worrying about stomach flu bugs and 3-year-olds giving you a nasty head cold.

SAN FRANCISCO SCHOOL-NAMING FOOT TOUR: Amble through San Francisco, thinking of new monikers for old schools named after dead and problematic white guys. You’ll be escorted by SF School Board members to make sure you’re staying in line, just in case.

SACRAMENTO SOCCER QUEST: Taste craft brews in Midtown as you make cold calls to billionaires, asking them to pitch in a couple of mil to get the MLS stadium deal rolling again. But don’t call Ron Burkle—he’s on the line with his legal team.

FABULOUS CENTRAL VALLEY AQUIFER TOUR: Poisoned water ? Hey, just suck it up! With the ag power structure as your tour guides, you can rest assured nothing will happen. You’ll need a drink just talking to them. Yum!

STATE OF JEFFERSON WHINE COUNTRY: Cruise in either your choice of a 2004 white Ford F-150 with crew cab or on a high horse while you listen to AM right-wing talk radio. Admire the stunning vistas as you foment insurrection at Siskiyou County tap rooms, where apparently everyone has an advanced degree in U.S. Constitution Studies.

MARIN COUNTY FABULOUSNESS/ COGNITIVE DISSONANCE RESORT: Practice your ironic detachment as you send checks to Nancy Pelosi while complaining about how you, OMG, saw a homeless person in Larkspur.

KEVIN McCARTHY’S BAKERSFIELD SANDWICH CRAWL: Try the January 6th Insurrection Toasted Career Sub, and Kevin will prepare other tasty treats such as the Unprincipled Burger, and Kevin’s BLT (Bro Loving Trump).

You’ll need a vacation after the recall is over.