Forget Republican or Democrat, here’s a more accurate way to describe recall candidates

Former San Diego Mayor Kevin Faulconer, running for governor in the goofy waste-of-money-get-a-life recall election, wanted his ballot description to be “Retired San Diego Mayor.”

Why retired? He’s termed out. “Retired” would be, hey, I’m 65 and I’m bagging it. Now the Sacramento Superior Court says Faulconer can’t say that. The court retired his retirement, for the moment.

Gov. Gavin Newsom’s probably now-former campaign lawyer forgot to check a box listing the incumbent as a Democrat on the ballot. Maybe the lawyer is now permanently retired, too.

This brings us to how these candidates get to describe themselves on the ballot. We all describe ourselves, in some ways, in the most reductionist manner.

I would describe myself as “Former Minnesotan/aspiring-yet-erratic golfer/master of impressions from the 1960s/aging-in-place cartoonist,” for example.

I am sure many of you have your own opinions about my description, such as “Communist anti-Trumper ink boy,” or something more pejorative. It’s your call, but I’m going with mine.

As for Faulconer, I would say a more accurate description is “Guy who really regrets posing with Trump that one time in the Oval Office,” or perhaps “Blandly inoffensive generic mediocre SoCal politician with nothing else better to do, honestly.”

If his lawyer doesn’t screw it up, I assume Newsom will describe himself as “Governor of California,” which is accurate enough, I suppose. He could also go with “Man who went to Jason Kinney’s birthday bash at a comically-overpriced restaurant that brought about this entire recall mess.”

Of course, there are other candidates as well.

For example, there’s John Cox, who apparently has a bear for a running mate. I don’t know if a bear can serve as Lt. Governor, but I’m sure Newsom’s lawyer can offer a legal opinion, if they still have a job.

Cox would probably go with “Businessman, entrepreneur, bear aficionado,” to be accurate. Cox’s bear would most likely be “Ursine American/Californian political performance artist.”

Speaking of performance artists, there was an intriguing news story the other day about Caitlyn Jenner, whose ballot description is probably “Olympic gold medalist/semi-Kardashian/job creator for ex-Trump hacks.”

Jenner’s “campaign,” which is a rather generous description in and of itself, is employing a documentary film crew to catch all the gaffes she makes per hour and, incidentally (and I’m sure coincidentally), to shoot footage to make a series about this tragic train wreck.

Surprise. Maybe Jenner’s ballot description could be “Brand extension goddess/public policy naif.”

Jenner is even taping a Celebrity Big Brother (for $372,500) in Australia, which, according to Vanity Fair, will require her to quarantine for 14 days Down Under and then shoot the episodes. Even then she may not even be back in time for the Sept. 14 election here.

Maybe she could also go with “Candidate for Governor (of Australia).”

But wait, there’s more candidates!

We have Larry Elder, who was kept on the ballot despite Secretary of State Shirley Weber’s call on his tax return redactions. Weber didn’t make any adjustments for Newsom, (“Democrat,” for those wondering), so Elder won’t have to return the thus-far $400,000 he’s raised as a “Right-wing talk radio crank/1040 Sharpie wiz.”

There’s also former Rep. Doug Ose, who could run as “Politician/heir who pledged to serve only four terms in Congress and then that turned out to be a lie, sorry about that.”

Oh! State Assemblyman Kevin Kiley, who has the gall to describe himself as a “rancher.” Thanks to his (former?) buddy Ose, he could run as “Annoying twerp waiting to run for the worst congressman in America, Tom McClintock’s seat.”

If the recall itself were able to describe itself on the ballot, it might consider “Massive waste of taxpayer dollars, courtesy of the shattered fragments of the Republican Party/Trump Cult.”

Oh, well. No worries. Cox’s bear will fix this.

I’ll have to check if he’s a retired bear, however. You never know.

This story was originally published July 25, 2021 at 5:00 AM.