Think the California DMV’s driver licensing exam is tough to pass? Try taking mine

The California Department of Motor Vehicles’ written driver licensing exam has come under scrutiny for its chronically high failure rate.

Over the past two decades, 51.5% of those who took the exam flunked. That’s go-back-to-summer-school stuff.

The test is rather typical of multiple-choice tests. Each question is typically accompanied by two ridiculous answers, one somewhat plausible answer and the correct answer. Mirrors life, doesn’t it?

So is the DMV test difficult? Not compared to the one I just made up.

1. When making a right turn at a light, you should:

A. Stop, observe traffic and slowly turn right after checking blind spots.

B. Madly wave your arms around inside the car.

C. Blast through at 89 m.p.h. (Sacramento drivers only).

D. The Pythagorean theorem.

2. At a stop sign, you should:

A. Come to a full stop and wait your turn.

B. Slowly creep into the intersection, smile sweetly and wave.

C. Roll through the intersection oblivious to oncoming traffic (Sacramento drivers only).

D. René Descartes.

3. When entering a freeway, you should:

A. Carefully accelerate while yielding to other drivers.

B. Crawl into traffic at 32 m.p.h., nearly causing a collision (Sacramento drivers only).

C. Come to a full stop, rethink the decision and weave backward through on-ramp traffic.

D. Carbon, oxygen and hydrogen.

4. When changing lanes, you should:

A. Use your turn signal beforehand.

B. Use your turn signal afterward (Sacramento drivers only).

C. Scowl and swear at the car parallel to you.

D. The 13th Amendment.

5. When making a left turn at an uncontrolled intersection, you should:

A. Yield to the driver across from you.

B. Take a big swig of your Big Gulp and give other drivers the finger (Sacramento drivers only).

C. Text your friend about what happened on your date last night.

D. The Crimean War.

6. When the speed limit is 55 m.p.h., you should:

A. Obey the limit.

B. Decrease your speed from 92 to 84 m.p.h. (Sacramento drivers only).

C. Attempt to reach the takeoff speed of a Boeing 737.

D. Lepidoptera.

7. When you observe a disabled vehicle on the shoulder, you should:

A. Proceed with caution.

B. Careen through the median strip, become airborne and land facing backward.

C. Slow to 6 m.p.h. to watch the fascinating process of a tire being changed (Sacramento drivers only).

D. Mitosis.

8. What does a yellow light at an intersection signify?

A. Stop if it is safe to do so.

B. Stomp on the accelerator.

C. Whatevs (Sacramento drivers only).

D. Marbury v. Madison.

9. Should you stay in your lane when preparing to turn?

A. Yes.

B. Only if you aren’t eating a Big Mac (Sacramento drivers only).

C. If you feel like it.

D. Photosynthesis.

10. What are speed bumps for?

A. To indicate that you should drive slowly.

B. Decoration (Sacramento drivers only).

C. To indicate socialist overreach.

D. Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny.

11. Should you observe local road and weather conditions when determining your rate of speed?

A. Yes.

B. Oh hell no (Sacramento drivers only).

C. Only if the weather conditions involve an asteroid or volcanic eruption.

D. 3.14159.

12. If a traffic semaphore is malfunctioning, you should:

A. Yield to other vehicles, in order of their arrival at the intersection.

B. Blame Gov. Gavin Newsom (Sacramento drivers only).

C. What’s a semaphore?

D. Okun’s Law of the relationship between unemployment and economic growth.

13. Did you find this test overly difficult?

A. I have a master’s degree in physics but answered only 43% of the questions correctly.

B. What test? Was this a test?

C. Like I took the time to read the DMV study guide.

D. I’m a Sacramento driver. What do you think?