Jack Ohman

Trump these headlines for future news

Now that Trumpnado has struck the 2016 Republican presidential campaign, let’s imagine what other headlines the New York developer could generate after saying Sen. John McCain is unlikable for being captured by the North Vietnamese.

Oddly, Trump’s supporters seem unfazed by even the most ludicrous statements their candidate can make. He seems to be here for a while, so let’s indulge in a little shock and speculation. Here’s how the rest of the year could play out in the headlines.

Aug. 6 – “Trump kills African lion on Fox debate stage to horror of challengers”

Aug. 7 – “Trump won’t apologize for killing lion, calls other species ‘natural selection losers’”

Aug. 12 – “Trump’s hair explodes on landing at Lakehurst; Christie calls in FEMA for massive cleanup effort”

Aug. 16 – “Trump calls Iowans ‘silage-sucking ethanol addicts’”

Aug. 17 – “Des Moines Register once again calls for Trump’s exit from race”

Aug. 18 – “Trump buys Des Moines Register, renames it Des Moines Cash Register”

Aug. 19 – “Des Moines Cash Register endorses Donald Trump in front-page editorial, calling him ‘the greatest, most stupendous candidate ever created’”

Aug. 22 – “Trump won’t rule out third-party bid if Republicans ‘say my hair doesn’t remind them of an orange stealth bomber’”

Sept. 7 – “Trump aide says wives ‘are chattel and not under U.S. legal jurisdiction’”

Sept. 8 – “Trump, at news conference, says ‘wives love me,” produces three to affirm remarks”

Sept. 9 – “Trump said he would date his own daughter” (sorry, actual story)

Sept. 10 – “Trump says Plain would make ‘terrific’ Cabinet secretary, calls for new department of fevered delusions”

Sept. 16 – “Trump dominates CNN GOP debate with live ritual goat sacrifice”

Sept. 17 – “NRA criticizes Trump CNN goat sacrifice, says it was done with knives instead of U.S.-made semi-automatic weapons”

Sept. 19 – “Trump announces major D.C. real estate revamp if elected, pledges to expand White House to 4,800 rooms with casino”

Oct. 2 – “Trump asks for giant, tasteless, platinum, diamond-studded wall to be built on Mexican border”

Oct. 13 – “New poll shows Trump with commanding lead among all GOP candidates with male voters age 78 named Lonnie with adjustable plastic baseball caps who are under treatment for anger-management issues”

Oct. 20 – “NASA releases photos of unmanned probe to Trump’s hair”

Oct. 25 – “Trumps slams rivals’ fundraising reports as ‘trump change’”

Oct. 28 – “Trump kills endangered rhinoceros with the edge of his hair during CNBC GOP debate”

Nov. 6 – “Trump purchases New Hampshire”

Nov. 12 – “Trump fires New Hampshire secretary of state”

Nov. 23 – “Incoming N.H. Secretary of State Sarah Palin throws other GOP candidates off ballot”

Nov. 29 – “Trump consumes and eats Christie, Rubio, Bush at Fox Business Channel debate”

Dec. 5 – “NBC Universal, Trump reach terms on new reality show entitled ‘The Last President of the United States’”

Dec. 14 – “Trump hairstylist gravely injured in collapse of bouffant; investigators suspect faulty structural support beams”

Dec. 25 – “Trump buys new Cadillac Escalades for every registered GOP voter in South Carolina”

Dec. 31 – “Trump’s hair is dropped from Times Square to ring in new year”

Jan. 1 – “Trump defeats University of Michigan in Rose Bowl; remaining rivals pledge full support in exchange for exit visas and safe passage”

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