Jack Ohman

Jack Ohman: No debate, GOP is in Jeopardy!

The Fox News Republican presidential debate was a little like a boring “Jeopardy!” episode, except that the winner could get nuclear weapons.

Although Donald Trump kept distracting me with his pumpkin impersonation, I dutifully took notes, so I could provide a synopsis for all of you who were watching the real “Jeopardy!”

6:10: Trump answers a question from a woman about his language regarding women, by raising the crucial campaign issue of Rosie O’Donnell. He notes we don’t need “total political correctness.” No. Of course not. Not to win in November 2016, against a woman.

6:14: New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie reaffirms that New Jersey is an outhouse, but it’s much better now that he changed the chemicals.

6:17: Former Fox host Mike Huckabee, who used to be a governor in some Southern state, bestows Fifth and Fourteenth Amendment rights to Buick parts. I might have been drinking during this answer.

6:19: I note that two of the 10 candidates on the stage are former Fox News hosts, which gives them a distinct advantage in any Fox News debate.

6:24: Trump calls all leaders in the United States “stupid,” all politicians in the United States “stupid,” and the incredibly canny Mexican leaders really, really smart, which is why they’re the leading superpower of the free world.

6:35: Fox News shows quite a number of Facebook photos of tasty and attractive dinner plates, pets that have just died, cute kids smearing things on their faces and elderly men holding fish.

6:37: There are “Bong, bong, bong” game-show sound effects, signifying that an answer made no linear sense. Sen. Rand Paul accuses Chris Christie, a former U.S. attorney, of not having heard of the Fourth Amendment, and of hugging President Obama. Christie says his job isn’t “blowing air in a subcommittee.” Paul raises his Paste-On EZ Eyebrows © in disgust.

6:45: Trump proudly observes that he came out against the Iraq War before it started in 2004, never stopping to also observe the Iraq war started in 2003. He’s that good.

6:51: A man calling himself “Dr. Ben Carson” says something very, very quietly to himself.

7:01: The man calling himself “Dr. Ben Carson” asserts he is a neurosurgeon and that secular progressive Saul Alinsky dupe Hillary Clinton thinks the American people are useful idiots. This is a lie, except for people who post photos of their dinners on Facebook.

7:20: (I think. I was getting back from the kitchen): Gov. Jeb! Bush tells the first flat, baldfaced lie of the debate, saying he didn’t call Trump a buffoon, or a clown, or other names my editor won’t let me repeat in print.

7:31: Gov. John Kasich had been trying to demonstrate that he was the only non-alien life form on the stage until he was asked about gay marriage. Then he said he would go to his daughter’s wedding if she was “like that.” You know. “That.” Oh, and some of his best friends are gay. And he went to their wedding! Bong, bong, bong.

7:43: Huckabee is asked about transgender troops in the military, and he says that the military isn’t a “social experiment.” Except when they integrated it. Ask Colin Powell about it.

7:45: Christie cites many, many numbers and facts about the military in a very short period of time. None of them involved transgenders.

7:50: Sen. Ted Cruz is asked if God has spoken to him, and he said he talked to God, but that he hadn’t called. Trump then said he didn’t remember making the call.

7:54: I think one of the candidates said, “Do you believe in miracles? Yes!” But it also might have been Al Michaels.

7:57: Closing statements. Kasich says his father was a mailman and he learned what it was like to work hard. Rubio said his dad was a bartender and he learned what it was like to work hard. Bush said his father and brother were presidents of the United States and he learned what it was like to work hard.

7:58: Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker profusely apologizes for pretending to be Ronald Reagan during the debate, chuckling, “There I go again.”

7:59: They forget to put up the “Final Jeopardy!” question.

8:28: Rosie O’Donnell responds by tweeting obscurely about kids, evidently testing the waters for her own candidacy.

11:26: Trump tweets that he really enjoyed the debate, even though Fox News questioners were mean and Frank Luntz is a low-class slob.

The morning after: Only 15 months to go.