Having sat through another 2016 GOP presidential debate, I noted that the Reagan Library’s Air Force One would have made a perfect escape vehicle if I could have just gotten to the controls. But I didn’t.
I did, however, manage to keep the remote in my hand throughout the debate without asking to be beamed up. Here are my humble observations:
5 p.m.: The candidates walk out together. Donald Trump is walking with Chris Christie, where they are probably discussing how to “Make Atlantic City Great Again.”
5:13 p.m.: Sen. Marco Rubio makes amusing little California drought joke about his water bottle as Northern California explodes in flames.
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5:15 p.m.: Trump lets us know that he’s very, very rich and very, very smart except about every single subject brought up at the debate, where he promises he’ll have something out shortly about that.
5:16 p.m.: Gov. Scott Walker throws out the first “I’m like Ronald Reagan” analogy of the evening.
5:17 p.m.: Gov. John Kasich notes that he may have flew on the actual plane behind them, and former Former Gov. Jeb! Bush notes that his family owned the plane.
5:19 p.m.: Carly Fiorina is asked if she would be comfortable with Trump’s finger on the nuclear button. She does a spit take that looks like a fire hose, and hits Kasich on his right sleeve.
5:20 p.m.: Trump assures the nation that he “has a great temperament” and that his temperament is “very good, very calm,” except when he’s challenged in any way.
5:23 p.m.: Bush is asked the same question about Trump’s finger on the button. Bush demonstrates personal calmness by waking up from a short nap at the lectern.
5:27 p.m.: Christie notes that he’s a Republican from New Jersey who has to work with a “crazy liberal Democratic legislature,” so he has the skybridge to the debate stage closed.
5:35 p.m.: Trump says, “I will get along, I think, with Putin,” which is the first accurate thing he’s said at the debate.
5:45 p.m.: Former Gov. Mike Huckabee talks about the survival of Western Civilization, with the exception of Rowan County, Ky.
6:04 p.m.: Trump notes that he “will take care of women.” Fiorina’s throbbing carotid artery hits Kasich on the right sleeve.
6:06 p.m.: Fiorina slaps Trump in face on live television.
6:11 p.m.: Trump observes that there was no national debate on immigration before he entered race, which triggered a new national debate on emigration for citizens who want to leave the country if he wins.
6:16 p.m.: Bush is asked if Trump should apologize for his remark about his wife. Bush rubs eyes and asks for a larger pillow.
6:19 p.m.: Rubio mentions his grandfather loved Reagan, but forgets to mention it was as host of “Death Valley Days.”
6:30 p.m.: Trump and Fiorina argue about Hewlett-Packard price/earning ratios and market capitalization. Christie asks to be excused from MBA class to go get more pizza. Huckabee leaves with him.
6:44 p.m.: Kasich lists his major Ohio gubernatorial job-creation accomplishment: getting Lebron back to Cleveland.
6:47 p.m.: Christie calls for federal prosecution of “everyone to the left of me on the stage.”
6:52 p.m.: Trump is asked about his fluffing of foreign leaders’ names, and he responds by saying those Arab names are complicated and, again, that he’s really, really smart.
6:59 p.m.: Trump says he will have military advisers “very soon,” and that “I’m a very militaristic person,” reassuring European allies.
7:01 p.m.: Bush defends his brother President George W. Bush, who will never have a GOP presidential debate held at his library, ever.
7:38 p.m.: Sen. Ted Cruz says he’s endorsed by the Gun Owners of America, also known as Texas.
7:44 p.m.: Rubio drinks the rest of California’s aquifer.
7:46 p.m.: Dr. Ben Carson’s Valium wears off, chides Trump about the science behind vaccines. He forgets about the science behind climate change.
7:55 p.m.: When asked about which woman should appear on the $10 bill, Christie says that the Addams Family has been shorted, suggests Morticia.
7:57 p.m.: All candidates are asked what their Secret Service codename should be. These are the answers. You have to guess which candidate picked them: CHOWHOUND, INKJET, BUCKEYE, CHEESEHEAD, SLEEPY, GASBAG, XANAX, DOUBLEWIDE, THESPIAN, WATERBOY, CURLY.
8:01 p.m.: Mitt Romney makes some calls.