There must be an app for that bland political response

While I appreciate distilled scolding political rhetoric as much as the next editorial cartoonist, there is a certain strain of this trait that is particularly pronounced in political spokespersons.

For example, the spokesperson for Attorney General Kamala Harris, who is not known for her powers of specificity anyway, responded to light challenges to her record made by Rep. Loretta Sanchez, who is a candidate for the U.S. Senate along with Harris.

“It’s no surprise that Kamala Harris’s opponents are resorting to political attacks,” Harris spokesperson Nathan Click noted.

No. It is never a surprise when opponents resort to political attacks. But that’s me. And, I am sure he is a very bright and capable spokesperson.

It’s just that spokespersons like Click are expert at taking colorful situations and making them sound blandly generic – a response that sounds like it was created by an app called “Earnestly Bore Me Now.”

“Every indicator – from endorsements to grass-roots enthusiasm to polling – shows (Harris’) record winning victories for California families as a prosecutor and her result-oriented approach are resonating with Californians,” the aptly named Click said, and you could practically hear the “click” of the Automated Political Response Generator©.

Click isn’t the only spokesperson to do this. They all do it. It’s their job.

It would be interesting to take some historical events and run them through the spokesperson’s riposte blender.

Winston Churchill: “We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.”

German spokesman: “Winston Churchill’s unrealistic plan will create homelessness, require massive new infrastructure spending, and once again shows his violent nature.”

Abraham Lincoln: “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.”

Confederacy spokesperson: “President Lincoln once again demonstrates that his failure to protect personal property rights, his lack of faith in Southern culture, and his commitment to fascist statism is just more big government.”

Ronald Reagan: “Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this wall.”

Soviet spokesperson: “President Reagan’s lack of understanding about basic construction practices and his desire to create a wave of illegal immigrants will cost Soviet and East German jobs.”

Thomas Jefferson: “The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.”

British Spokesperson: “Thomas Jefferson again shows that he lacks any useful agricultural training about fundamentals of arbor fertilization, and shows that the revolution was a mistake that depleted the Commonwealth’s strategic reserve of blood banks.”

Benjamin Franklin: “Instead of cursing the darkness, light a candle.”

Candle spokesperson: “Mr. Franklin’s frightening agenda will lead to the wholesale wipeout of millions of candles, cost taxpayers countless hard-earned dollars in needless wax expense, destroy much-needed darkness for tired Americans to sleep, as well do bad things, and ultimately create fire hazards in each and every American home.”

Franklin Roosevelt: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

Fear spokesperson: “President Roosevelt’s call for the destruction of fear defeats millions of years of biological evolution, creates false hope for those in impossible situations, and will destroy major segments of the U.S. economy such as horror movies, right-wing radio call-in shows, and major segments of the alcohol and pharmaceutical industry.”

This story was originally published January 23, 2016 at 4:00 PM with the headline "There must be an app for that bland political response."