Jack Ohman

In Trump’s America, Canada looks livable

With the emergence of Donald Trump as the GOP front-runner, I have heard more and more references to where non-Trumpian Americans would hide out during his presidency, heaven forbid, if he’s elected.

My choice would be a planet out of a nuclear blast zone. But assuming there’s no vacancy, I hear a lot of people discussing Canada.

As a former icy Minnesotan, I have had a lot of experience with Canada. They’re very nice people, and you can’t spell “nice” without “ice.”

In fact, the nice government of Canada has provided a helpful guide for those Californians wishing to move there. Here are some excerpts:

Hello, bonjour, California immigrants and other exiles from TrumpAmerica Properties©!

As you know, there’s no wall between our two nations, just a few friendly speed bumps (and a nice, warm Tim Hortons doughnut) awaiting you as you cross over to your neighbor to the north.

California and Canada share a similar-sized population, but there are many critical differences. We want your exile to be a safe, nurturing and, above all, polite experience that you won’t have to say “I’m sorry” about.

Please note that Canada is somewhat different from California on many levels. We only ask that you keep Canada tidy, shovel your walk, observe all Canadian customs, and learn how to properly operate an ice auger. Here are some quick facts:

1. The Canadian government is headed by Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, who is low-key, articulate and inclusive. Our minister of national defense is Harjit Singh Sajjan, a Sikh decorated for his service in Afghanistan. Under the new TrumpAmerica Properties© Border System, Sajjan would likely have been detained and possibly punched in the face because he wears a turban. Here you will find people open and accepting of cultural differences.

2. Please note that the average daytime temperature in Canada is about 130 degrees Fahrenheit/80 degrees Celsius cooler than in California. Dress appropriately. Tommy Bahama/flip-flops only wearable July 15-31.

3. No water problem here! You’ll find plenty – just not in liquid form.

4. We have pro hockey (not the Mighty Ducks – real toothless, non-Disney Canadian hockey!), pro basketball (the 38-18 Raptors!), pro baseball (the Blue Jays were first in the AL East in 2015!), pro football (with an extra 10 yards thrown in!), and other sports, except for surfing.

5. Politics in Canada are a bit more genteel than in TrumpAmerica Properties©. Instead of running for Congress in a district, we Canadians “stand” for “parliament” in a “riding,” which is very Downton Abbey-sounding and hence cooler. Please also note that Trudeau is the son of former Prime Minister Pierre Trudeau, so Californians will feel right at home with that arrangement.

6. You like food? We’ve got it! In addition to having a stunning variety of ethnic cuisine across all cultural lines, we have the aforementioned Tim Hortons, where a vast array of tasty sugar-based dough is served. We don’t have Del Taco. We do have Les Taco.

7. Canada has many media outlets from which to choose, such as the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation and the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. Fox News isn’t widely available here, so you will find your exile low-key and enjoyable while your coalition opposition party recalibrates under Chelsea Clinton and George P. Bush.

8. Hobbies? How about pulling a squirming, wet eelpout through the ice? Curling? You betcha! Or maybe watching former Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, who is like a more intellectually honest Donald Trump?

If your exile last longer than four years, don’t worry. We can accommodate you, just as soon as we get that new border wall put up.