Interesting times we live in. The ban on Muslims, which was not a ban on Muslims, except they all seemed to be Muslims who were held up at airports, no Johnsons or Aberystwyths, and they had green cards and visas, including a translator formerly employed in a war zone by U.S. forces, which brought massive crowds into the streets because someone at the White House hadn’t read the manual on “Writing Executive Orders” and the executive who signed the order, who couldn’t tell an executive order from a lace placemat, is, for the 20th time in one week, exposed as a dope. Isn’t somebody supposed to be looking after the man? His alt-right strategy guy, now a permanent member of the National Security Council, the one with the Bulgarian movie star hairdo -- where was he? Busy writing the declaration on Holocaust Remembrance Day that forgot to mention the Jews?
Meanwhile, we are dealing with the idea that five million Americans, registered to vote in more than one place, hit the road on Election Day to cast as many ballots as possible for Hillary Clinton, a mass migration not seen except in Godzilla movies, and yet it was so poorly managed that, despite cheating on a scale never before seen in human history, she lost the Electoral College. -- The Illinois Democrats forgot to go up to Wisconsin and Michigan, the New Yorkers didn’t cross over to Pennsylvania. Pathetic! And dead people too! Democratic precinct workers may have bought the driver’s licenses of deceased voters from corrupt undertakers and smudged the photographs and come to the polls right after lunch when the pollwatchers are sleepy and not paying close attention. Five million left-wing outlaws! Eighty-thousand votes in the right places -- a dunk shot! -- she would be Madam President today, but even with five million, she couldn’t put the ball in the basket! Sad. (It’s like owning a casino and going bankrupt: how do you go broke when you can rig the slot machines?)
Five million is an alternative fact. Other alternatives would be: (1) there was not much cheating at all. (2) There are five million Syrian refugees in this country whom we know nothing about. (3) That is the president’s natural hair color.
Vice President Pence has promised to investigate the five-million illegals alternative fact, and he is a radical pro-lifer, the kind who believe that life begins at the cellular stage, that zygotes are people, and take a hard line against masturbation. Given his definition of personhood, those five million outlaws may actually be in liquid form in a small glass beaker. A youngish male, in his moment of ecstasy, propels a hundred million out into the world, so five is peanuts, chicken feed.
Meanwhile the Boy President, having campaigned on a platform of greatness, is attempting to leap tall buildings at a single bound and be more powerful than a locomotive: replace Obamacare with something better that insures everyone and that costs less, build the wall, beef up the military, spend a trillion on infrastructure, cut taxes, and still balance the budget. Despite promising to do all this, he finds himself distinctly unwelcome. As his son-in-law said, it is easy to hate him at a distance, and so far he has kept his distance.
The word is that he is an indoorsman, watches a lot of TV and when he watches movies, he tends to fast-forward past the dialogue parts to where the cars blow up and the hero runs through the flames to rescue the babe who is taut and tan and a total ten. He does not read so much. That’s fine. We held our election and that’s what Florida, Pennsylvania, Michigan and Wisconsin voted for. Mr. 44 expressed one side of America, the side that gave us the civil rights movement, cool jazz, basketball, and the love of books, and 45 represents the Hummer, the Whopper, gold-flecked marble, and the value of hyperbole, especially among those who don’t know what it means. That’s why he surrounds himself with great, great people, very special people, and has beautiful meetings and was gratified to see millions of people at his inauguration including thousands of women who sent their underwear up to the platform with a note saying, “I’m yours. You say when and where.” All of them totally gorgeous.
But the fact remains: if you lose an election by 80,000 votes when you have five million to play around with, you are too dumb to be president. Democrats are blaming it on the creaky old Electoral College, but the problem is the lack of rapid interstate transit. People needed to cross state lines quickly and couldn’t get there. It’s four hours from Chicago to Waterloo, Iowa, and six from New York City to Wheeling, West Virginia. High-speed rail could’ve saved our country.