Abcarian: Why have so many men failed to learn the lessons of MeToo?

You really have to shake your head over the alleged sexual misconduct of former U.S. Rep. Eric Swalwell, the Bay Area Democrat whose life has imploded after a handful of women (last count: five) accused him of egregious misbehavior, including rape.

All of the alleged acts are said to have taken place after the sordid revelations of the 2017 MeToo movement, when so many powerful men were toppled after dozens of survivors detailed the ways the men had used their power to sexually harass, abuse and assault subordinates.

Given the bloody professional and personal carnage of that shocking era, if you were a powerful elected official with sexual compulsions, wouldn't you think twice about acting on them? Especially if you were seeking a higher office that would put you squarely in the national spotlight?

I mean, come on. Why is it so damn difficult for so many men with so much to lose to keep their pants zipped? Cautionary tales abound: Harvey Weinstein ended up in prison. Talk show titans Matt Lauer and Charlie Rose have disappeared. Bill O'Reilly, who once dominated cable news from his perch at Fox, now operates at the bleak margins of the conservative media landscape. Celebrity chef Mario Batali left New York for northern Michigan, and no longer owns the restaurants that made him famous.

Swalwell has heatedly denied the accusations, which have now sparked criminal investigations in New York, Los Angeles and Washington. Regardless of the investigations' outcomes, the damage is done. Swalwell has resigned from Congress and dropped out of the California governor's race.

"I do not suggest to you in any way that I'm perfect or I'm a saint," Swalwell said in an Instagram video. "I have certainly made mistakes in judgment in my past, but those mistakes are between me and my wife, and to her, I apologize deeply for putting her in this position."

Three things strike me as ludicrous about his statement.

First, nobody is accusing him of being perfect or a saint. That language is classic deflection/innoculation/false humility (take your pick).

Second, his "mistakes" are not just between him and his wife. Unfortunately, the whole country, the state of California and his Dublin-area constituents have all been dragged into this imperfect, unsaintly mess.

And third, if he did anything untoward to the women accusing him, he should apologize to them. Even if he had encounters that he believes were consensual, that would be wrong if he was engaging with interns and staffers, women who say they believed their careers depended on staying in his good graces.

Now, it seems, women are coming out of the woodwork with Swalwell stories, including Lonna Drewes, who alleged during a Los Angeles press conference on Tuesday that Swalwell drugged and raped her in Beverly Hills in 2018. "He raped me and he choked me and while he was choking me I lost consciousness and I thought I died," Drewes said.

When men behaving badly have boggled me, I turn to David Wexler, a San Diego clinical psychologist, founder of the Relationship Training Institute and the author and co-author of many books, including, most recently, "Choose Him Wisely."

What must high-profile men be thinking, I asked Wexler on Thursday, days after the allegations forced Swalwell out of Congress and out of the California governor's race? And why do the men who are found guilty think they can get away with this?

"When somebody has an out-of-control need for what's called 'narcissistic supplies,' it can override all sorts of good judgment," Wexler told me. "There's a hole they are trying to fill, and for a lot of these men - it's true of Bill Clinton, too - it's never enough."

The thought process, Wexler said, is something like, " 'I am different because I am not doing anything bad and these women are really hot for me…. This is consensual.' Most men, except for the hardcore psychopaths, have to convince themselves of that or they couldn't do it."

Could someone so out of touch with reality ever really face the allegations against him honestly? I asked Wexler. (I mean, just look at Weinstein, sitting in prison, still protesting his innocence.)

Not really, Wexler replied. "This kind of personality type is just not wired to accept deeper, darker truths about themselves. I see many men like this who allow a little bit of self-awareness to sink in, but it is rare to really grasp how much bad they have done. It's like a psychological life and death thing."

Although rumors about Swalwell had been swirling for a long time, it was two social media content creators - Arielle Fodor, who calls herself "Mrs. Frazzled" on Instagram and TikTok, and lawyer/activist Cheyenne Hunt - who forced it into view, leading to stories in the San Francisco Chronicle and CNN.

The growing clout of such online personalities, wrote Politico's Melanie Mason and Jeremy B. White, "has thrust campaigns into a new digital Wild West, where long-buried allegations and unsubstantiated rumors can find their earliest stages of vetting, a warning for politicians at all levels."

Well, it should be a warning. But a certain kind of man will never think it applies to him.

"That's 100% true," Wexler said. "Some men can and have changed, and I think the MeToo movement has had an impact to some degree. But if our goal is zero levels of men taking advantage of women, that goal will never be met."

Bluesky: @rabcarian

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This story originally appeared in Los Angeles Times.

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