There’s no sports: Let Nantz and Feherty narrate my last round at Land Park for you
Now that the Masters has been rescheduled for November 12, golf fans have to make do.
While you won’t get to watch the Masters this weekend, I can provide the exciting last nine holes of my last round at William Land Park Golf Course, as well as I can remember. Let’s pretend, because it’s the Masters, that my friend and golf partner Mike Sicilia is Tiger Woods and I am Phil Mickelson.
I do not have a club handicap, and neither does Mike. My son the golfer has graciously decided I’m an 18. Last summer, at LPGC, I shot 10 nine-hole rounds at an average of 44.8, which is probably where Mike would be as well.
Also, pretend you’re reading this as narrated by David Feherty and Jim Nantz.
“Let’s go to the first hole, where Ohman is teeing off. It’s a 147 par three.”
“Ohman has tendinitis from engaging in too much Current Events Stress Golf, Jim.”
“Oh, my. He’s hard left off the bunker, and he’s going to use that new 60-degree Callaway lob wedge.”
“Here’s Sicilia. He’s wearing a very nice Masters green some-sort-of-weird-fabric pullover and a Philadelphia Eagles cap. Yikes.”
“Sicilia dribbles it right and calls it good. And now Ohman. Oh. No. He skulled that, Peter, and right over the green just off the apron.”
“Here’s Sicilia. Nice recovery and he’s only 34 feet downhill from the pin.”
“Sicilia’s patented I-barely-pause-before-putting strategy paid off, and he’s now only 23 feet from the pin. Now he’s 17 feet out. And now 7 feet out.”
“Ohman takes a gimme for 5, says Mike has 5, and let’s go to 2.”
“Here’s Sicilia. He’s a bit right into those oak trees, but he’s a master of the low hybrid rescue shot.”
“Ohman. WHAT A SHOT! He’s right next to Sicilia in the trees! His 7-hybrid is his enemy.”
“Sicilia hits a nice liner under the trees and is now firmly in position to hit that impossible chip shot on a downhill lie up to the pin from about 50 yards out.”
“Ohman. Almost unbelievable distance. He’s nicely positioned down on the back service road behind the green for a uphill chip over two hills.”
“Ohman says they got 5. Let’s go to 3.”
“The third hole at LP is a par three and rated as one of the 100 most difficult holes in California, and they both have to land, as usual, precisely in that downhill bunker, which they both do with aplomb, Jim.”
“That sand is like granola mixed with Sacrete, Peter.”
“Ohman’s out. He’s got a downhill putt from about 40 feet. Hard break right, and reads it as slight left. The ball is rolling at 23 miles per hour.”
“Sicilia. Master of the fast putt. Smashed that Kirkland ball like a champ, and it bangs into the pin at Mach 2.”
“Ohman says they got five and they move on to 4.”
“Peter, that 4th tee is looking right down an alley that opens up to non-golfers walking right across the fairway to the pond, so it’s tricky.”
“Ohman burns worms up the hill left and damages a lot of barkdust en route to a 6-yard squib followup.”
“Sicilia with a 285 yard drive that might have hit a Camry left.”
“Ohman lines up his approach with a 6-iron. And he’s down in the bunker, which is now comprised of ashtray sand, Legos and beef gravy.”
“There’s Mike. Nice putt for double — a great score here, Peter, even after the bathroom break.”
“Ohman taps in for an easy quadruple. To 5.”
“The next three holes are considered more forgiving here, Jim, so both men are looking to make up some lost ground. Ohman with a beauty: perpendicular right and is about 200 yards down the treeline but playable.”
“Sicilia. On actual fairway grass.”
“Ohman. He’s got that 7-hybrid out again and that’s trouble. Oh, no. Oh. No. He can’t like that, Jim.”
(Editor’s note: We have removed two paragraphs for enthusiastic, effusive use of expletives.)
“Let’s go to 7. Ohman. That ball is gone. I mean, gone.”
“Ohman found it in the Rain Bird sprinkler head, about 8 inches below the fairway and 40 yards out. Tough position.”
“Here’s Sicilia. 4-hybrid. Good cut, drifting arc about 120 yards left off-line. He’ll find it eventually.”
“Ohman picks up and agrees they shot a 5.”
“Sicilia on the 8th tee. A towering drive that drops right next to the horse stable, where he will then whinny and shout, Frau Blucher. No one knows why.”
“Sicilia with a nice recovery with that weird 4-hybrid. Ohman says it’s also a golf shot.”
“Ohman. His A-wedge play is usually dead-on almost 30 percent of the time.”
“Sicilia with more contact than he wants, and he’s safely on the cart path.”
“Ohman with the A-wedge. So close to clearing the bunker. So close.”
“Sicilia sinks an inexplicable 56-foot putt after applying enough power to get a Saturn V into orbit.”
“Ohman picks up for what he asserts is a five.”
“We’re at nine. Peter?”
“Ohman deliberately aims away from the top part of the one tree he hits every SINGLE time, and lets go with a beautiful drive right into the top part of that one tree.
“Sicilia. He’s left but playable in what appears to be wheat.”
“Ohman with the 7-hybrid. OH MY. That cart shed lie is very playable.”
“Sicilia. He’ll be off on the right playing bumper pool for some time.”
“Ohman moves his ball, asserting an obscure PGA rule, known as “Hey, It’s Not Like We’re Playing for Money.” He’s in a good position to chip this right into the bunker, which is composed of molten lava.”
“Nice recovery from Sicilia, and he’s on-ish.”
“Ohman, lines up a downhill putt from 1.2 statute miles out with a slight right break.”
“Ohman takes a five, Sicilia is given a five, and they both agree they look lousy in green jackets. See you in November, Peter.”