Fore (more weeks in exile): After a week of Masters replays, release the pit bulls

As millions of us are trapped in our homes sheltering in place from the coronavirus (wash your hands, practice social distancing, be safe, be smart), some of us have turned to sports broadcasts for solace and distraction.

Except there aren’t any professional sports on television that are, in fact, contemporaneous.

However, I am pleased to report that there are innumerable sports broadcasts on YouTube.

My sport is golf. I am an 18 handicap, a passable social golfer with moments of true greatness and, naturally, I am always playing with my close personal friend and partner, the Agony of Defeat.

As a golfer, I note that this is around the time that the Masters would be played. It was scheduled for April 9-12, but tournament officials decided it was best to postpone.

I am also aware that every other thing in the United States has been canceled, except for the courage of everyone getting us through this, from doctors and nurses to grocery delivery people.

For those of us less heroic but gutting it out at home, and profoundly thankful for those of us who have one to huddle in, we have been turning back to our past sporting lives.

In my case, I have watched dozens of hours of the final round of various Masters tournaments, and I realized that after 45 hours of 1986, 1987, 1999, 2001, 2002, 2004, 2008, 2010, 2014, and 2015, I know more about the Masters.

A lot more.

“Hey, did you know Jack Nicklaus won in 1966 AND 1967?”

“Hey, did you know he won SIX green jackets?”

“Go take out the garbage.”

“OK.”

Many people listen to golf or have golf on, and they’re not even particularly good at it. They just find it soothing. It is. It’s green, the announcers speak softly, and if it’s a bad shot, it’s not due to my incompetence.

I have gone out golfing twice thus far, and at Land Park Golf Course, they have eliminated bunker rakes, turned the cups upside down, and covered the ball washers. I shot 46 both times: the last nine was three triples, two bogies, and four pars in a row, which I’ve never done.

Must have been my Masters viewing.

My oldest son informs me that my obsessive viewing of the Masters (“Ernie Els from 2015…”) is rivaled by other sports fans’ obsessive YouTubing of their own particular pursuits.

“Let’s watch Game 7 of the 1988 NBA finals. That was the Lakers and the Pistons. I’ve been watching old March Madnesses. Watched UMBC knock off Number 1 Virginia.”

“There’s an online Sim racing league called I-Racing on FOX, streamed on YouTube or Twitch. They got bunch of NASCAR drivers who were going to run the race in Miami. They used the real commentators.”

Who won?

Denny Hamlin beat Dale Earnhardt Jr., in case you were wondering.

My son observed “a lot of NBA players are streaming themselves playing NBA 2K20.”

“Every night, Tobias Harris, the small forward of the 76ers plays the game for the real 76ers in NBA 2K20 and puts the results on Instagram.”

My son also reported that Zach LaVine of the Chicago Bulls posted a video of himself playing one-on-one with his pit bull named Grizzly. This is a 12-second video worth watching.

I think my next idea for a sporting event is a team of men versus a team of pit bulls playing basketball. Ratings bonanza, if you edit the injuries out.

Baseball could be even better: “Good afternoon, everybody! It’s the Kansas City Pit Bulls versus the Los Angeles Regular Human Meat Guys, and watch for the Pit Bulls to chase a lot of balls out there today. Now for a word from our friends at Alpo, Budweiser, and Farmer John …”

Quick Masters Update! Arnold Palmer may have had the greatest finish of all time in the 1960 Masters!

I have also considered dipping into old time radio broadcasts of baseball games, AND I have watched quite a number of hours of the NBC News coverage of Election Night 1960, with their Very Inaccurate Computer the Size of a Tennis Court. It’s not a sport, but hey. Kind of is.

The downside of all this Masters-watching is that it kind of plays in my head when I’m trying to work.

“Here’s Oosthuizen. He’s 5 under ...”

“Meanwhile, Matt Kuchar …”

“Hit the fairway, hit the green …”

“Freddy Couples. Twentieth year. Second-round leader at minus-five …”

“So Mickelson had some fine-tuning on his putting ...”

“Ian Poulter for birdie ...”

And my favorite: “A beautiful golf shot.” If you did a SEO cloud search of all golf tournament announcer phrases, that would be it. “Dinky chop shots” would be last.

I also just heard this: THERE’S A SCANDINAVIAN MASTERS TOURNAMENT. (Editor’s note: There’s lefse for all in the clubhouse.)

Thank God. I was running out of the ones to view at Augusta.

I can hardly wait for the Masters to bring out pit bulls as course hazards.

This story was originally published March 24, 2020 at 4:00 AM.