Psychologists Say This Is How Long It Really Takes to Make a Close Friend and Most People Get It Wrong
The 11-3-6 rule of friendship is circulating online as adults try to figure out why building real, close friendships gets so much harder with age. Here is what the formula actually means, where it came from and what researchers say about the time it really takes to turn an acquaintance into a true friend.
What is the 11-3-6 rule of friendship, exactly?
The 11-3-6 rule of friendship is a social psychology guideline that says it takes roughly 11 meetings, each lasting 3 hours, within a 6-month window to turn an acquaintance into a genuine, trusted friend.
The framework comes from a 2022 study of 2,000 adults commissioned by Fisherman’s Friend and analyzed by Robin Dunbar, emeritus professor of evolutionary psychology at the University of Oxford. That works out to about 33 hours of shared time before someone moves from “person I know” to “person I trust.” And the work does not stop there. According to the research, reaching best-friend territory takes more than 200 hours of investment, well beyond those initial 11 meetups. Dunbar is best known for formulating Dunbar’s number, the theory that humans can maintain only about 150 social connections at once.
How many close friends do you actually need?
About four, according to recent research on psychological well-being in later life. More friends beyond that do not appear to deliver substantial extra benefits.
Alexandra Thompson, a mental health research fellow at Newcastle University in the UK, explored the optimal number of close friends older adults should have to support mental health and ease loneliness. She found four close friends was the sweet spot, and that what really matters is the quality and depth of intimacy in the friendships you already have.
“It’s about how we encourage people to make good quality, close, intimate connections, or bolster the connections that they already have, to increase that quality and depth of intimacy, so that they’re getting these benefits and different kinds of social provisions from their current friends,” Thompson told the BBC.
Why is it so hard to make friends as an adult?
Midlife, roughly your late 30s to early 50s, is the hardest stretch for building new friendships, studies suggest. That is when careers, parenting and caregiving responsibilities all tend to peak at the same time, leaving little space for the consistent, unhurried hangouts the 11-3-6 rule requires.
“Unlike in childhood, where free time is abundant and social interactions are woven into the fabric of everyday life, adults often have to actively carve out time for social activities amid their busy schedules,” psychotherapist Kaytee Gillis told The Guardian.
Dunbar’s research also points to what he calls the seven pillars of friendship. People tend to bond most deeply with those who line up with them across several specific dimensions.
- dialect
- hobbies and interests
- religious views
- moral views
- sense of humor
- musical taste
- career trajectory
The more pillars match, the faster a real friendship clicks, which helps explain why finding new close friends in adulthood can feel so slow.
This article was created by content specialists using various tools, including AI.
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