The Right Thing: When birthday celebrations come with unexpected costs

Is it wrong for someone to regularly invite a friend to do things for the friend's birthday such as have a meal or go to a spa weekend that always end up costing the friend money?

A reader we're calling Cybil wrote to pose such a question. She wondered if she should be upset that her friend suggests she wants to celebrate her birthday but often in a way that ends up costing her money.

It's not wrong for the friend to propose activities that might involve shared expenses. While sometimes the person celebrating a birthday's costs are covered by others involved, it's not unusual for people to celebrate birthdays with dinners, trips, concerts, spa visits or other outings where everyone ends up paying their own way. What should be made clear from the outset, however, is what the expectations are for any costs involved.

If, for example, Cybil's friend regularly suggests something that will be her treat for Cybil's birthday, but Cybil ends up paying a significant amount, then Cybil might feel misled or pressured into spending money she wouldn't have chosen to spend on her own. A spa weekend would be far more enjoyable if Cybil understood from the outset that costs would be shared. If the friend never makes that clear, then Cybil could end up feeling chagrined that she regularly ends up spending money on an activity she neither chose nor expected to pay for.

If Cybil's friend called and said: "I'd love to celebrate your birthday with a spa weekend. Here's what it would cost, and please don't feel obligated if it's not in your budget," that would be a straightforward invitation. Even if the friend didn't intend to, if she presented the invitation as a special birthday experience and only later revealed significant costs, it could leave Cybil feeling manipulated.

Cybil's friend may really believe these birthday outings are thoughtful since she is organizing them and making time to spend with Cybil. But if these celebrations stress Cybil out or leave her feeling like she's spending more than she can afford, then clearly these are not the kinds of events that spark joy.

If, as Cybil suggests, these cost-producing celebrations are an annual occurrence, she could find time well ahead of her next birthday to try to change things up. She could tell her friend she appreciates her desire to celebrate her birthday with her, but she's not comfortable spending a lot of money doing so. She could propose something simpler and less costly that would prove as meaningful to her. If Cybil's friend is a true friend, she will listen to Cybil's concern and embrace the chance to plan something less expensive or with no expense to Cybil.

The right thing, if she is not happy with the status quo, is for Cybil to say something. She should tell her friend what she's comfortable with. If she says nothing, she ends up with another year of frustration rather than celebrating another year of life. A good friend will listen to Cybil and happily oblige.

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This story was originally published June 30, 2026 at 1:27 AM.