It’s bad enough the Kings are a hot mess. Now Slamson gets dissed too? I’m not taking it

Slamson the Lion, mascot of the beleaguered Sacramento Kings, came up 23rd out of 27 NBA mascots in a new poll.

Based on recent team performance, Slamson is probably vastly more popular than Vivek Ranadive, the Kings’ second-guessing, coach-firing owner/overlord.

You’re probably wondering who, in fact, is being polled. The poll said they were “fans” but later let it slip that they were “online sports bettors.” The poll was done by PlayAZ.com, an Arizona sports betting site. Go figure.

Personally, I have always enjoyed Slamson. He has an endearing cheesiness that I don’t find any more or less objectionable than any other mascot. I recall the oddly named Twinkie the Loon, the Minnesota Twins’ mascot, as well as the truly alarming Minnesota Vikings Guy, who looks very much like he’d be perfectly happy pillaging the hot dog vendors.

Now let’s look at some of Slamson’s competitors.

The top five mascots are the Denver Nuggets’ Rocky the Mountain Lion (why is that lion more popular than our lion?), Chicago Bulls fave Benny the Bull, Grizz of the Memphis Grizzlies (yet another NBA oxymoron), Champ of the Dallas Mavericks (oddly, they also have Mavs Man, who came in 27th) and Bango the Buck, of the 2021 NBA champions Milwaukee Bucks.

Interestingly, the Brooklyn Nets, the Los Angeles Lakers, the Golden State Warriors and the New York Knicks don’t even have mascots. They should have mascots, too. Here are my suggestions, in order:

Brooklyn: “Fuhgeddaboutit the Angry Subway Guy.”

Los Angeles: “Droughty the Dry Lake.”

New York: “Wally the Wall Street Predator.”

Golden State: “Rentie the Landlord.”

I’ve done a scientific analysis of the allegedly better mascots than Slamson and offer my critique.

First, Rocky the Mountain Lion looks like a really tall kitten. I’m neither frightened nor intimidated. Slamson would eat this cat for lunch.

Benny the Bull looks like Satan. Period. Red. Horns. What kind of message does this send Chicago’s children? Slamson is pleasantly ecumenical and doesn’t traffic in rituals of any kind, except blowing games.

Grizz? Um, yet another migratory team mascot from Vancouver that doesn’t fit in Memphis.

Champ? He looks like he was rejected from Blue Man Group.

Bango the Buck? I wouldn’t want to be Bango during Wisconsin deer season.

Now, what about the mascots who finished even lower than poor Slamson?

Lucky the Leprechaun from the Boston Celtics? Hmm. Let’s say at baseline he’s culturally insensitive. Lucky wouldn’t last five seconds as a mascot at Harvard.

Plus, he smokes a pipe, a clear violation of any indoor smoking laws as well as a problem for his aerobics on the court.

Go, the Phoenix Suns’ gorilla mascot, has no connection to any solar metaphor of which I’m aware. He also looks suspiciously like that Sasquatch in the grainy 1966 home movie. Coincidence … or conspiracy?

Interestingly, there was Squatch, the Sasquatch mascot for the now-defunct Seattle SuperSonics. Another bad call. They should have used a grounded 737. The ’Sonics went to Oklahoma City in 2008, where they now have Rumble the Bison, who looks a lot like that Jan. 6 QAnon clown. Maybe a congressional bid next year?

For the San Antonio Spurs, we have the Coyote, who looks like a peyote-infused Wile E. Coyote.

And, dead last at No. 27, enter Mavs Man (why does Dallas have two mascots and the Lakers none?). Mavs Man has a truly maniacal grin, sunglasses and a headband. He’s nightmare-inducing, like Mark Cuban.

In contrast, Slamson has a rather pleasant, slight, toothless smile. He doesn’t look like he wants to eat the Kings’ fans, who are probably ready to be eaten after the Kings’ up-and-mostly-down performance this season.

No word on Slamson’s candidacy for the head coaching job, though. He certainly couldn’t do any worse than previous Kings coaches. Perhaps he could bite Vivek Ranadive if he gets out of line.

This story was originally published December 3, 2021 at 6:00 AM.