Gov. Gavin Newsom is taking a “State of the State” tour to all the wrong cities | Opinon 

Before he came down with COVID for the second time, Gov. Gavin Newsom announced that he will forgo a traditional State of the State address for something a little more simpatico with his theatrical instincts.

Other, less ostentatious California chief executives were just fine with a simple lectern and the ornate settings of the state Capitol. But Newsom is not like most governors.

Health willing, Newsom is going take his “State of the State” show on tour with separate stops in San Diego, Los Angeles and the Bay Area between March 16-19. He apologizes for being “windy,” but a three-day State of the State speech must be some sort of record.

I have no problem with San Diego, the Bay Area and Los Angeles, except that they suck most of the air out of the rest of the state. So instead, and just for fun, I propose that Newsom give the speech(es) in some less-visited areas:

Speech one: Fresh Pond, CA:

“My fellow Californians, Fresh Pond is a rather sophisticated gas station on the way to Lake Tahoe, featuring an incredible amount of bear-related items, off-color bumper stickers, tasty dried meats and ornamental knives.

As I stand before you today, in my first public wearing of an adjustable plastic baseball cap with an indiscernible animal logo, I can report to you that the state of the state is fantastic, particularly as it relates to the snowpack, which is currently 13 feet above my head.

I know none of you can actually see me because of the snowdrifts in front of the bank of cameras, but I assure you, I am directly under the day-glo orange flag. See the hat?

To those who say we don’t have a water policy that works for all Californians, I say, “Ich Bin Ein Fresh Ponder!” Don’t sweat the drought this summer, because we’re gonna be catching 40-foot waves on the Sacramento River in about six weeks.”

Speech two: Shasta County, CA

“As I was spirited in here on a night train wearing an elaborate disguise — the baseball cap I picked up in Fresh Pond — I am proud to visit Shasta County, with its magnificent vistas and its insistence on creating a new nation-state called Jefferson, which, oddly was the name of a Democratic president and the middle name of Bill Clinton.

I stand before you today to deliver a message: Localism is determinative, and not just in the iterative sense. It’s a stretch goal that’s not only foundational, in this space, it’s a real-time point of pride for me to deep dive into your frame.

Let me elabora--

(At this point, the Governor is interrupted by men in camouflage. They offer him a free ride to the county line.)

Speech three: Rocklin, CA

“Today, I come to Rocklin not just to tell you about the state of the state, but to pose a question many Rocklinites ask themselves: What is the deal with this little twerp you sent to Congress?

I mean, Kevin Kiley is constantly tweeting about what I’m doing rather than what he’s doing. That’s what you get for his $174,000 per year salary? Obsessive-compulsive observations and you’re OK with that?

So, Rocklin, the state of the state is actually doing pretty well considering you sent a Twitter troll to Congress.”

Speech four: Mendocino County, CA

“My dudes! Awesome views and brews.

The state of the state is sometimes heinous, but it’s also chill. It’s all good here. Sometimes some bad vibes def’, but nothing we can’t put off for a little while we crack a microbrew and take the edge off with a pre-roll, am I right? It’s the California lifestyle, baby.

This dude DeSantis tho, amirite? Give me a break. You ever been to Florida? Of course not. Who needs to when we don’t have alligators in California, and no snakes slither into your single-wide from some freaky swamp, either?

But there is definitely a Bigfoot here, so...

Anyway, no worries at all because I’m not even running in 2024. S’all good.”