Three California women in line to succeed President Biden. Imagine the possibilities
With the announcement that Sen. Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont) is retiring at 81, California Sen. Dianne Feinstein will most likely become, at 88, president pro tempore of the U. S. Senate. That would put Feinstein fourth in line for the presidency, behind Vice President Kamala Harris and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.
Note that all three are women from California.
Harris is in the full bloom of life at 57, and Pelosi is a relatively kicky 81. In fact, when fellow Bay Area Rep. Jackie Speier told Pelosi she was retiring from Congress at 71, Pelosi said, “But you’re so young!”
At 61, I feel like I just graduated from high school the other day.
Let’s say President Joe Biden slips on a banana peel (or several of the aforementioned slip on a banana peel), God forbid, and one of them suddenly becomes president. What would that mean for them, California and us?
President Kamala Harris
There is a total and immediate cessation of all discussion of her shortcomings as vice president, the latest D.C. media hobby. D.C. media hobbyists turn to a discussion of her shortcomings as president.
Second Gentleman Douglas Emhoff becomes the first First Gentleman. He is, however, put under house arrest for his vocal Los Angeles Dodgers support.
President Harris then gets inflation near zero, boosts job creation, ends all forms of discrimination and is instrumental in passing the second infrastructure bill, which provides every American with their own freeway overpass.
Her approval rating then plunges to 18% because, as one independent voter notes, “she didn’t provide a suspension bridge to my garage, and the freeway overpass is too loud.”
President Harris selects her sister, Maya, as vice president, which she kind of was anyway.
Fashion magazines relentlessly investigate her choice of tennis shoes, which they also relentlessly investigated under Biden.
No, wait. They didn’t.
President Nancy Pelosi
Upon her swearing in, President Pelosi prosecutes every GOP congressman who is even vaguely supportive of the events of Jan. 6, which is criticized by one GOP leader as “an outrageous example of the president’s clear bias against domestic terrorism and treason.”
Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy returns to the private sector to make submarine sandwiches, which is one thing he’s actually qualified to do.
Under President Pelosi’s leadership, San Francisco Giants catcher Buster Posey is not allowed to retire, Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-Confederate States of America) is sent to Guantanamo on a permanent congressional inspection tour, and Rep. Paul Gosar (R-Not Funny) is forcibly sent to Cal Arts to study animation. The remainder of the House GOP caucus is required to take a class in constitutional law, from which 95% flunk out.
Pelosi selects Hillary Clinton as vice president just because she can get it through.
Newly elected House Speaker Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez finds her White House electronic security badge keeps malfunctioning.
President Dianne Feinstein
President Feinstein files an injunction against the renaming of the Staples Center to Crypto.com Arena, on which all decent citizens can agree.
At a signing ceremony for the Omnibus Senator Grumpiness Enabling Act of 2023, Feinstein hugs and kisses lead Senate sponsor Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Supplicant). Feinstein nominates Graham for the vice presidency, calling him “a historic first. There has never been a completely spineless vice president in the history of the United States.”
Presidential press secretary Dee Dee Myers (She’s back, again and again!) gently corrects the president, noting that former Vice President Mike Pence was also completely spineless.
Secretary of State-designee Gavin Newsom disappears for a few weeks during his confirmation hearings, but it’s cool.
President Feinstein is elected in 2024 and reelected in 2028 and 2032, making her the first immortal president in American history.
This story was originally published November 24, 2021 at 5:00 AM.