Coming soon to a Facebook feed near you: fake news for liberals, a series of artisanal alternative facts hand-crafted by Russian hackers. A few samples:
Trump’s tweets win Pulitzer for fiction
Great literature now comes in 140-character packages. In a move that stunned the book world, a special Pulitzer Prize for Fiction has been awarded to Donald Trump’s Twitter account. Pulitzer jurors praised the president’s “late-night literary bursts,” which they said “captivated the nation and redefined the boundaries of make-believe.” Trump lashed out at prize officials for labeling his work fiction, but said he was nevertheless honored to be “put in the same category as past winners Ernest Hemingway, Bill Shakespeare and Jesus.”
“It’s the best of both worlds – compassion and free enterprise,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said. “By clicking on Priceline’s ‘Name Your Own Price’ button, people can get great deals on heart surgery, chemotherapy, hangnail removal and much, much more.”
Priceline.com added to Senate health plan
In a last-ditch effort to revive their derailed health care bill, Senate Republicans unveiled a proposal to replace Medicaid with Priceline.com. “It’s the best of both worlds – compassion and free enterprise,” Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said. “By clicking on Priceline’s ‘Name Your Own Price’ button, people can get great deals on heart surgery, chemotherapy, hangnail removal and much, much more. Or they can use Priceline’s Random Treatment Generator, which offers deeply discounted surgical procedures that are revealed right before the anesthesia kicks in.”
Trump eyes ‘Most Interesting Man’ for Supreme Court
Could a beer spokesman be next in line for a Supreme Court vacancy? Yes, says President Trump, who thinks the Most Interesting Man in the World would make a fantastic justice. “His blood smells like cologne, he lives vicariously through himself, and his beard alone possesses more judicial wisdom than Clarence Thomas and Ruth Bader Ginsburg combined,” Trump said at a news conference. TMIMITW’s legal philosophy is largely unknown, although he did file a friend of the court brief in 1991’s landmark Tastes Great v. Less Filling decision. Democrats vowed to scrutinize the former Dos Equis shill’s record, but Trump said TMIMITW has been thoroughly vetted. “He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels, but that’s it,” the president insisted.
Trump Jr. releases Nigerian emails
A beleaguered Donald Trump Jr. has disclosed additional embarrassing email chains, including one in which a Nigerian prince offered him a large sum of money and Trump Jr. replied, “I love it.” Trump Jr. also acknowledged accepting a Facebook friend request from Jayden K. Smith.
Fish and Wildlife agency declares EPA an endangered species
In a clever but controversial legal maneuver, the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service has listed the EPA and National Endowment for the Arts as endangered species, thereby blocking budget cuts by the White House or Congress. Trump administration officials said they would “ask a so-called federal judge to overturn the action.”
Border Patrol arrests ‘undocumented’ crater
Opening a new front in President Trump’s crackdown on immigration, officials are now trying to deport Arizona’s Meteor Crater. “It’s time to send this alien indentation back to its own galaxy,” Trump tweeted at 3 a.m., shortly after Border Patrol agents seized the landmark, which made no attempt to resist arrest. According to White House scientists, Meteor Crater was formed when a massive nickel-iron asteroid immigrated to Arizona illegally from outer space. Trump said the crater “killed innocent dinosaurs and stole jobs from American asteroids. Sad!”
Voter fraud panel makes surprise discoveries
Good news and bad news for President Trump’s voter fraud panel. On the plus side for Republicans, the commission uncovered definitive proof of widespread fake balloting during the 2016 presidential election. On the minus side, the fraudulent votes were apparently cast by Russians in Ohio, Pennsylvania and Wisconsin. Nevertheless, Moscow has denied involvement, saying that although Russia has developed sophisticated election hacking software, it cannot be programmed to vote for any name other than Vladimir Putin.
Trump unleashes more doctored videos
Buoyed by the popularity of a video in which Donald Trump pummels a CNN character, the president has now tweeted an entire fall TV season of shows that depict him as a swashbuckling hero. The lineup includes “The West Wing-nut,” a loosely autobiographical mini-series; “Modern First Family,” a sitcom about the White House’s wacky but lovable new occupants; and assorted made-for-TV movies, such as “Trumpback Mountain” (“You wish you could quit me, fake news media, but you can’t”) and “Trumpinator” (a cyborg is sent from the future to rid the nation of Muslims, Obamacare and Alec Baldwin).
President suggests ‘Trojan Camel’ to defeat ISIS
Drone strikes? Passé. More troops? Boring! Instead, the White House has drawn up plans to surprise ISIS with “a giant wooden camel on wheels,” modeled after the poet Virgil’s legendary Trojan horse. “It’s simple,” President Trump said in a recently leaked memo to the Joint Chiefs. “We roll the camel up to ISIS headquarters and wait. They’ll think it’s a gift and bring it inside, not realizing 200 Navy SEALs are hiding in the camel’s belly. Once the terrorists fall asleep, the SEALs climb out and kill them. It’s genius.”
Roy Rivenburg is a Southern California writer. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.