Finally, we’ve been able to determine an actual explanation for Donald Trump’s self-destructive campaigning, his disinterest in fundraising, ground operations and advertising.
The real estate magnate clearly doesn’t really care about becoming an occupant in an old house that doesn’t even have gold faucets. He couldn’t care less about having a cramped Oval Office with ground-floor views of – lawn.
As Trump did accumulating his real estate empire and his however-many-billions-of-dollars, he is simply building and accumulating more fame. You can never have enough. Well, he can’t. He’s doing exactly what his children say he always does: Think BIG.
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Trump, we have determined, is preparing to start his own entertainment channel, Donald Trump TV – DT TV.
With the help of Fox News architect and longtime pal, the involuntarily retired Roger Ailes, Trump could soon launch his own network built around what he knows best and admires most, Donald Trump.
Here’s what the prime-time lineup could look like:
“Make America Litigate Again”: Deliriously excited Trump fans bid to be sued by Trump just for the fame of it.
“Immigrant Chefs”: Each week four Latin Americans get 25 minutes to prepare their madre’s favorite recipe for a rich Trump friend. After tasting and commenting on each dish, the friend picks one man to be personal cook for a few days using the trademark phrase, “You’re hired!”
“Trump in the Night”: Late-night talk show with Trump hosting guests discussing him. Sean Hannity is the obsequious sidekick.
“Watch this, Mr. Trump!”: What’s the most ridiculous, dangerous stunt a contestant will try in order to win a taco bowl with the billionaire? One episode already taped, the man who scaled the outside of Trump Tower.
“Upon Further Review”: Backstage with ordinary women competing to be ogled and derided by Trump during an on-stage swimsuit parade.
“Trump Jeopardy”: The season starts with eight illegal families. They describe their sad situations (English subtitles). Viewers vote one family off the show each week; they’re deported back to their village, but in Trump’s plane. The season winner gets a visa to mow fairways at a Trump resort, plus a 5 percent discount on purchasing the required uniform.
“Terrorist Roulette”: Trump interrogates three Syrian refugees one by one. The host must determine which of them is Muslim, and which man is a likely terrorist. After the last commercial, the host points a finger: “You!” Trump is never wrong. The man is sentenced to New Jersey.
“Appealing Bankruptcy”: In a mock courtroom, small-business owners stiffed during Trump projects plead for payment with heartbreaking stories of their family’s financial plight. Trump presides in a judge’s robe. He gavels contestants off with “Loser!” He picks one winner, offers 10 cents on the dollar, take it or leave it. What will the strapped business owner decide? The answer after these important messages.
“Penthouse Survivor”: A family from rural Central America moves into a luxurious Trump Tower penthouse. Twenty-four hour cameras capture their bafflement at running water, flush toilets, microwaves, sink disposals and thermostats. Think “Honduras Hillbillies.”
“The DT’s”: An awards show emceed by Donald Trump, who grandly opens envelopes to announce his favorite moments from the past week’s programs about Donald Trump.
Be honest. You’d watch some. You know you would.
Andrew Malcolm is a veteran foreign and national correspondent who began writing on U.S. politics in 1968. Follow him on Twitter @AHMalcolm. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.