Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump will debate at Hofstra University on Monday. Coincidentally, the first televised presidential debate took place 56 years ago to the day, between Sen. John F. Kennedy and Vice President Richard Nixon. Time flies when the culture is imploding.
The 1960 debate seems quaint. No name-calling, just policy questions and policy answers. But what if we had those same candidates answering questions in a debate with the silly questioning of today? What if Jimmy Fallon, Sean Hannity, Mark Cuban, Omarosa Manigault asked the questions, and Howard Stern moderated?
Stern: Sen. Kennedy, you have the first question.
Fallon: Sen. Kennedy, may I touch and mess up your hair? It’s so perfect.
Hannity: Vice President Nixon, you’re so perfect in every way. Care to elaborate?
Nixon: Sean, as you know, I have tremendous, fantastic intelligence. I went to Duke, a top law school. And I was vice president under President Eisenhower, a war hero, who I like because he didn’t get captured.
Cuban: Mr. Nixon, your lousy makeup is dribbling off your face. You’re sweating like you just knocked over a 7-Eleven.
Nixon: Mr. Cuban, I can say with your name you’re probably a Communist who enslaves millions, and you should be racially profiled just because we’re weak. Very weak. Sad!
Stern: Sen. Kennedy, rebuttal?
Kennedy: Mr. Stern, I am still fixing my hair.
Omarosa: I think I have some product with me. Praise the Lord.
Stern: Let’s move on to more substantive issues. How many women have each of you had, who were they, and why?
Kennedy: Ask not.
Nixon: I have built a big, beautiful wall around myself. But ask Roger Ailes, my media guy. He gets around.
Fallon: Sen. Kennedy, you should have a show on NBC, you’re so handsome, and you could make a lot of money for us. When you get up in the morning, do you just marvel at the aerodynamic yet fluffy coiffure that would look so good on NBC in living color?
Kennedy: I would ask you to look at Mr. Nixon’s hair. And his suit. Is that a face you want to look at for four years?
Fallon: Oh, and your wife is also hot.
Omarosa: Jackie is so hot. Amen.
Kennedy: She even wrote Mrs. Nixon’s speeches.
Hannity: Vice President Nixon, would you like to slander Sen. Kennedy while I enable you?
Nixon: Lyin’ Jack. Little Jack. Crooked Jack. He’s Irish; they are known to be terrorists in Ireland. We should deport all Irish. Oh, and he’s not a war hero. I like people who didn’t have their PT boat sunk.
Hannity: And don’t forget a wall to keep all Irish out.
Nixon: And I would make Ireland pay for it, even though it would be a floating wall. I prefer stone walls.
Kennedy: We could use that money for a moon program.
Fallon: In zero gravity, would your hair get mussed in space?
Kennedy: Mr. Fallon, I propose, that before this decade is out, that we land a hair stylist on the moon, and return him safely to Earth.
Stern: Closing statements?
Nixon: Be sure to watch my new show, Political Apprentice Nominee.
Kennedy: Don’t touch my hair again, Fallon.