Larry Elder isn’t running against Gavin Newsom. But what about the other recall retreads?
Now that 2022 is here, we can turn our attention to the long-neglected California governor’s race, which we have run only twice in the past three years.
Gov. Gavin Newsom won each of those elections by virtually the same landslide margin, with 61.9% of the vote in each, but we still get to do it all over again.
But recall candidate Larry Elder announced recently that he was not going to challenge Newsom again this year, noting that while he “may not know what the future holds for me politically, our campaign’s ability to attract millions of votes and millions of dollars in a very short time demonstrates we have a message that resonates with Americans, and I believe we can put that to good use.”
His message just didn’t resonate with Americans in California.
Regardless, Elder is starting a political action committee called Elder for America, which he says will focus on “retaking the U.S. House and Senate for the Republican Party, as well as local elections that affect public safety and education.”
Oh, and he wants you to send him $25.
Translation: “I actually do know what the future holds for me politically — I have no shot at becoming governor — so I’m using the cash you rubes sent me to help end democracy in the United States.”
These sorts of announcements are de rigueur in politics, so we should expect a bunch of other sound-alike statements from other GOP gubernatorial aspirants soon. Here’s how I imagine they might go:
JOHN COX: “While I have now run for governor of California twice with the same passion I brought to the 2004 Cook County (Ill.) recorder of deeds race, after consultation with my family and my 1,000-pound Kodiak campaign bear, I have decided that I will not be seeking the governor’s office in 2022. I am still in the decision phase, however, regarding my potential candidacy for Cook County (Ill.) recorder of deeds.”
KEVIN KILEY: “As the sixth-place finisher in the historic — HISTORIC, I TELL YOU LOUDLY!!! — 2021 gubernatorial recall election, I can assure you that I will do the right thing for the people of California. Consequently, I am moving to Texas.”
KEVIN FAULCONER: “As a proud Kevin beaten by only one other Kevin in the recall election, I know that being a Kevin is an important qualification in a California GOP primary. As Kevin Kiley is moving to Texas, I feel confident that I can secure the crucial Kevin vote and go on to become the top finisher named Kevin this year, assuming no other surprise Kevins enter the race.”
CAITLYN JENNER: “Many people at my private aircraft hangar have asked me what I can do to help California move forward. I have come to the inescapable conclusion that while my running for governor would once again be hilarious, I need to spend more time with my family on national television, preferably for seven figures. Whatever they’ve got. Even for two figures at this point.”
JOHN COX’S BEAR: “As a 1,000-pound Kodiak bear, I know how to get things done in government. My ability to swiftly eat my opponents will pay dividends in the Legislature, and my large claws will slash state government red tape. Furthermore, Bacteria Bear has agreed to run with me for lieutenant governor.”
GAVIN NEWSOM: “Although the period from 2019 until 2022 has been a complete nightmare, for some unknown reason I have decided that I want to do this absolutely dreadful job for another four years. While I cannot assure you that the next four years won’t be anything other than a repeat of the past four hideous years, I can guarantee you that I’ll get 61.9% of the vote again.”
I can hardly wait for the 2023 recall.